


One Number Away

by Raiona16



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bruce Banner Is a Good Bro, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Clint Barton Is a Good Bro, F/M, M/M, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Protective Natasha Romanov, Protective Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson is a Gift, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2020-06-26 06:48:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 34,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19762783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raiona16/pseuds/Raiona16
Summary: Bucky Barnes was home. Safe in the arms of one Steven Grant Rogers. They were together again, struggling to make their jagged edges come together. Along the way they would find love, happiness and friendship.Set after CA: WS.  Another Bucky Barnes recovering fic no one asked for.  First time Stucky writer.





	1. A Possible Ally

**Author's Note:**

> My first time posting any kind of fic here. Be gentle with me! At this moment it's a multi chapter but if it's as crap as I think it is then it will be a one shot while I slink to the corner haha. Tags will be updated as I go.
> 
> All mistakes are my own - please let me know if you find any. Not Beta'd.

Sitting down on the park bench, Bucky knew he just had to be patient. He had come out of the Smithsonian, and he hadn’t kept count of how many times he’d been in there, and taken the seat knowing that his follower wouldn’t be able to help themselves. He wasn’t sure if they wanted to make contact, not really, but he assumed they were following him for a reason. He slumped a little and pulled the brim of his cap down lower. He could blend in with any crowd if he decided to, but he wasn’t doing this as a ‘I know you are watching and I’m going to make you come to me’ kind of deal.

He was pretty sure that HYDRA had not found him. They would not know how to track him and not bring him straight back in for refurbishment. If not HYDRA, then it would have to be someone working for the so-called ‘good’ guys. He didn’t believe in them either, so he sighed and waited. He was almost hoping he’d get caught and it would be over. Turning himself in was an option, but he still had business with HYDRA. He wasn't sure about leaving right because Steven ‘dumbass’ Rogers was always in need of protection and Bucky may not remember much, but he knew that he was the only one that could do it.

Steve had a new team of friends and teammates now, but Bucky still felt like he had to protect him. A new best friend. What did he need Bucky for? Especially when he wasn’t Steve’s Bucky but just some guy wearing his face. Years of conditioning and memory wipes had taken that guy away. Sighing, he looked over as he felt a person drop down beside him.

“Hey man, you got the time?” Bucky raised a brow at the question then snorted. Did the arrow guy think he was dealing with someone stupid? He may not have much of a memory, but he wasn’t dumb.

“Nope,” Bucky said as he looked back towards the people passing. It was risky being out in the open like this, but it meant he had an exit mapped out. It also suggested that the arrow guy, an Avenger, would not try and take him by force while the public was milling around. It wouldn’t do much for his reputation if he did.

“Oh, umm, okay.” He hadn’t expected that reply and Bucky saw him rub the bridge of his nose before he held out a phone. “I think you may have dropped this over there.”

“That is not mine,” Bucky said as he eyed the phone. Yep, he honestly thought he was stupid enough to take a phone that probably had every tracer known to mankind on it? Besides, why would you ask for the time when you have a perfectly good phone? Anything the Avengers gave him would be either rigged to explode or used to find him. He wanted neither. The phone would let him contact Steve, no, he didn't want that did he?

The arrow guy looked over at him and put the phone between them. “Seriously dude, you dropped this, and it’s yours.” He sighed and shook his head, “Nat told me not to do this; she’s going to kill me.” Turning, he looked at him, “I’m Clint.” Bucky didn’t care, “and I’m here to help you.”

Bucky scoffed at that, “yeah sure you are arrow guy. You are here to suck me into thinking you are helping them when I’m lulled into a false sense of security, which by the way is not going to happen, you pounce and take me in to become your weapon.”

“Nah, unlike Cap, I have a sense of self-preservation.” Clint grinned at him; he didn’t seem upset that Bucky wasn’t trusting him. “You have a metal arm dude, I’m not going to mess with that. Besides your an assassin, I’m pretty sure you know ways to kill me that I haven’t even thought of and that’s saying something.” He said with a shrug.

Bucky turned his head away as he thought about it. Steve trusted this man to look after his back but Bucky didn’t know him. Just because Steve had moved on, it didn’t mean he was ready to. He frowned and sighed; he wouldn’t hurt this man even if he had no idea what it was he was getting out of this. “Let’s say I trust you, why would you do this? I shot your teammates. I tried to kill your Captain.” He said and looked over at him, “I hurt your ex-boss... I think he was anyway.”

Clint put the coffee cup down and didn’t look at Bucky as he said softly, “because I know what it’s like. To have no control and do things against your will. I was only like it for like a week, two at most, and I wasn’t brainwashed or frozen, not even tortured. I just had a God inside my head and it wasn’t cool. It hurt and it sucked. Every time I think of the people, the agents, people I worked with, that I killed it makes me wanna puke.” His hands dropped between his legs as his shoulders slumped. “Nat and Steve tell me it wasn’t me you know? That I wasn’t in control so it wasn’t my fault. I see it though. I see me doing that and it was still my hands that took those shots. So yeah. I can’t compare my story to yours, but I can say I’m probably the only one that understands.” He sighed, “look, Steve is my friend. I like him. I think someone needs to be on your side and tell you that they may not understand everything but that they are there for you.” He shrugged and nudged the phone towards him. “Steve would want you to be taken care of even if you can’t let him yet.”

Bucky was quiet as he listened to Clint, tell him about his issues. He was right he couldn’t understand, but at least he knew. “I’m sorry for what happened to you.” See, he could even do empathy and everything. “I uhh... I wouldn’t wish the lack of control on anyone.” His fingers wrapped around the phone but he didn’t take it yet. Instead, he just looked at it. “I’m not sure what I’m meant to do here. I don’t trust you but I also know you are a friend of Steve’s.” He didn’t know Clint well enough to pour his heart out to him and he was pretty sure that wasn’t the type of person he was anyway.

“I don’t expect you to trust me.” Clint said, “I’ve dealt with Russian Assassins before. Trust has to be earned and you don’t know me. Just know that there are no bugs on that phone, feel free to check, the only numbers in there are mine, Steve and JARVIS.”

“JARVIS?” Bucky asked him. He hadn’t heard that name in all the research he had done on the Avengers.

“Tony Stark’s AI. I know I know an AI right? But JARVIS is a good guy plus Nat and I had a talk to him, he knows that your choices are yours and he isn’t going to report on you. Well, he’ll explain it, just know he’s on your side.”

“Will you be tracking me? I don’t .. “This was a bad idea. He should not even be thinking about this phone and what it would mean to talk to Steve again. If Steve spoke to him would he give in and do whatever Captain America wanted? That would make him as much of a dumbass as Steve was.

“No. I’ll make sure Steve doesn’t either. I mean he’s not that great with technology so you should be safe. I want to make sure you have a way of talking to us if you need help. I’m not pressuring you man, just... if you need to talk; I’m here or I can give you Wilson’s number. Sam. Falcon or something.”

“Why would I want to talk to a flying pigeon?” He knew that man; he had destroyed his wings. Why would Sam want to talk to him?

“He works with vets, veterans not dogs, though I think working with dogs would be great.” Clint obviously got side-tracked easily, “anyway he works with war people and you know that’s what you are. He’s a counsellor and all about talking about your feelings and shit.” Bucky couldn't help but chuckle as Clint used air quotes as he talked. Who did that? Barton, it seemed. “Take the phone Barnes and I’ll be out of your hair. You don’t have to use it though I would feel better knowing you had a way of contacting someone if you ever need help.”

Bucky snorted, “I am the Winter Soldier, I don’t need help.”

“Yeah but you aren’t, anymore are you?” Clint said as gently as he could, “I mean look at us, we’ve been here for like 20 minutes and you haven’t tried to kill me once. That has to be a record.” He grinned at him.

“Baby steps?” Bucky said and sighed, taking the phone. “Fine, I’ll take it, but I don’t need any help. I’ll be fine on my own.” He hesitated, “don’t .. can you not tell Steve? I’m not ready and...”

“Hey, you don’t have to explain. Only JARVIS knows what I’ve done. Regardless of what anyone says I can keep a secret.” The blonde snorted as he said it. “I won’t tell Steve; you can do that when you are ready. I’ll get JARVIS to put in Sam’s number in case you want it. Maybe Nat’s down the line, she’s been through a lot of what you have I think.”

Something uncomfortable twinged at that because no one should have gone through what he did. Not ever. “I.. thank you.” He finally said. He wasn’t sure if he would ever use the phone or not, but at least he had it. At least he knew that if he needed it he had back up.

“You’re welcome Bucky Barnes.” Clint said as he stood up, “I better get going before Nat comes looking for me.” He flashed him a smile, “it was a pleasure meeting you and remember you aren’t alone. Call me if you need to talk to someone. I ain’t all that wise but I’ll listen.” He promised him as he scooped up his empty cup.

Bucky nodded. Staying on the bench even as he watched the archer walk away. His gaze dropped back down to the phone and he sighed. Should he think of it as a lifeline or as a leash? He could talk to Rogers if he chose to or he could ignore it and make sure no one would ever track him with it. It was his life now and he could make choices. God that hurt his head so much. He could barely decide what to eat, let alone what to do about an innocent-looking thing like a phone. Sighing, he put the phone in his pocket as he stood up. It’s not like he could leave it lying around and let anyone contact Steve through it. Frowning, he blended into the crowd as he moved towards his latest empty warehouse. It was a dry, safe, place for him to lay his head and he could check on Steve as he went back there.

A week and a change of venue later Bucky was still looking at the phone. He hadn’t used it at all but he had checked it for bugs. The archer had been right; there was nothing to track him on it. Nothing he could see any way but if an AI was involved that meant very little.

Leaning back against the counter, he looked at the bodies around him. He was in Virginia and had raided a HYDRA safe house. It had been occupied, it no longer was. Having looked through the hard drive of the laptop he had taken note of any locations he was interested in or pinged in the back of his mind and then closed it down. Scrounging through the surroundings, he found the protein shakes he was living on, money (yay he needed it) and some knives. God, he loved knives. He rocked back on his feet as he pushed off the counter and sighed. He didn’t want the guns because they were too big for him to carry on his person and he was trying to keep things light.

“JARVIS?” He finally turned on the phone and pressed the button that said JARVIS on it.

“Sargent Barnes, it is good to hear from you.” The voice sounded more human than Bucky had thought it would and he smiled a little before he recoiled at the use of that name.

“I am not him. Sargent Barnes.” Bucky clarified, “I’m just.. I’m not sure. The Asset?”

“You are human with a name. You are not the Asset.” JARVIS corrected him, almost like he was gently scolding a child. “How can I help you?” The AI asked.

“Can you give your boss the coordinates I’m at? Former safe house. Some bodies and guns that he may be interested in. Bodies aren’t dead yet.” He shrugged as he said it, poking one of the prone figures with his foot. “He can get some information from them.” He frowned, “you won’t track me when I leave here, though right?”

“Are you hurt Mr Barnes?” JARVIS asked.

“I’m fine. Nothing major.” He shrugged even though the AI couldn’t see him.

“Okay then, I will let Captain Rogers and Sir know about the safe house. I give you my word that I will not track you or disclose your location to anyone without your permission unless you are injured or in danger.”

“Umm okay, thanks.” He quickly shut the call off and sighed. Making sure he had everything he wanted Bucky left the house and made his way to a spot where he could observe but not be seen.

It took a few hours before anyone showed up and when they did, he smiled a little. He watched as Captain America and The Falcon walked into the base. They were idiots, Bucky decided, since they walked in without even checking the perimeter. Even an informant could be dangerous, and this could be a trap. He rolled his eyes as he settled in. Obviously, Rogers hadn’t grown any brains in the new century.

_You did well Bucko_. The text flicked on the phone from Arrow Guy. _Steve is full of questions on who phoned it in. He is thinking of trying to find you in Russia. It’s funny. I have not caved yet._

Bucky frowned and then looked to where Steve was talking on his phone at the entrance of the building. _You can tell him it was me._ Bucky typed, _but not where I am and don’t give him my number._

_Yeah, I’m not telling him. I value my life._

Bucky laughed as he watched more Agents turn up to go through the information. He went back into the shadows and smiled. Maybe next time he would leave a calling card. Yes, that was the plan.


	2. My Baby Just Wrote Me A Letter

Bucky couldn’t help but wonder why HYDRA would have a safe house in Ohio. At least, he decided, it wasn’t Jersey. Three weeks had passed since he had raided the Virginia house. It had taken him that long to remember where the safe house was and work out if this was what he wanted to do. He could find a job and try to integrate back into society. That choice was not going to be the best one for him since he had nightmares every night.

The safe house had been empty when he got there, it was not clear how long it had been since it had been used. Bucky was grateful because it meant he could take his time to see what was actually here. Part of him thought maybe he should just stay at this house, but it was Ohio and too far from where Steve was. He would spend the night here then call in the Avengers to clear the place and get any information they could. Eventually, he knew, he would need to raid some of the bigger bases. Doing it on his own would be hard but his other option was to call in the Avengers. If he did that then Steve would be rushing into danger and he wasn’t sure he was ready to follow him. No one else watched Steve’s back like Bucky did.

Setting the alarms and making his own traps, you could never be too careful, he finally managed to get some sleep. Waking up suddenly from the nightmare that plagued him, he sighed and shuffled to find the shower. He was in luck, the water was still on. This would actually be an okay house to keep if HYDRA didn’t know about it. They did, though. HYDRA had infected all of his life, and he was not sure he would ever shake them. Sitting at the table, drinking coffee, Bucky grinned suddenly. He had the perfect thing to do. It would take time and more importantly, it would distract him. 

Hours later he once again raided all the money that had been tucked away and some bank account details he could drain if needed. This would mean that he didn’t need to work just yet and he could find an apartment near Steve. That would only happen if Steve was not living with Tony Stark. Manhatten was too expensive and what would be the point when JARVIS wouldn’t let him spy on the towers residents? Not that he had asked the AI if that was the case. 

Walking out of the house he once again texted JARVIS to let him know about the place. He asked him to send someone for the information dump but warned that there were no people inside. It had been a nice break, but he needed to move. He could not stay in one place for too long. From what he could see on the HYDRA servers they thought he was dead. This was an advantage for him but only if he didn’t linger near one of their buildings. 

Instead of waiting behind as he had previously he made his way to his next destination. A Starbucks around the corner. Smirking to himself as he ordered his triple shot Venti white chocolate mocha. He fucking loved the future. Taking the cup he moved to a secluded couch and curled up on it. He put the phone on the counter and put the earbud in. HYDRA could be useful for some things and taking their money and equipment was the least they owed him.

He looked down as he heard his phone beep at him and pulled it towards him.

_Are you responsible for the listening device in the HYDRA building?_ It was JARVIS asking him.

_Yep, I want to make sure Rogers doesn’t do anything stupid. Is he not coming? If he’s not, feel free to turn it off._ Bucky hadn’t thought that Steve wouldn’t show up. He was predictable when it came to HYDRA. He always had been.

_He is there._ JARVIS told him, _I will leave it on but you could just contact him directly._

Could AI’s be sarcastic? Bucky wasn’t sure, this one sure seemed snarky. Sure JARVIS was right, he could just contact Steve, but it was not that easy. He was not the same Bucky Barnes that Steve had known. His life was complicated and he was a different person. Hell, most of the time he didn’t feel like a person. Most of the time he felt like a machine. One that didn’t have opinions or options. One that existed from day to day with no idea why. His only purpose that he could remember was to protect his family. Stevie was the only family he had left now.

His inner musings were brought back to the present as he heard voices in his ear. It seemed Rogers and whoever had come with him were inside the safe house.

“It’s just like the other one, Sam,” Steve muttered. “Everything is left here with the passwords on display so we can access the information. I don’t understand it.”

Sam Wilson, Steve’s new best friend. Bucky wasn’t sure if he liked him or not yet. He didn’t know him at all, yet he resented that he had replaced him. Feeling that way was not logical at all. It was not Steve’s fault that Bucky had fallen from the train and that he, Steve, had woken up in a new time alone. Sam had shown support; it was normal for this to happen. He still felt like he had been replaced though. If Steve had Sam then he didn’t need Bucky.

“I, for one, am not going to look a gift horse in the mouth, Rogers.” Sam drawled. Bucky could hear them moving around and he held his breath. Okay, so this was why he needed Bucky around. Sam was the birdbrain and Rogers was just not good with observation. He let his breath out slowly. Maybe he should have painted a neon sign that said look here. This was going to be a long day.

Steve let out a frustrated sigh, “I am grateful that these are cakewalks. They are just annoying. I mean I could be out looking for Bucky and instead they have me running across the country to find abandoned safe houses.”

“You are just mad ’cause you can’t punch anyone,” Sam muttered. Bucky grinned, he liked him.

“I’ll punch you,” Steve stated as he finally saw what Bucky had left behind. “It’s a letter.” Captain Obvious noted as he went to pick it up. “It has my name on it.”

Bucky wondered if he should be proud of himself for being able to read. How was he even alive? The greatest tactical mind of the century his ass. Rogers, had it seemed, been the brawn behind the Howling Commando’s which meant Bucky had been the brains. That didn’t surprise the dark-haired assassin at all. He could only hear Sam moving around and Steve’s breathing as he read the letter. He knew what he had said in it and Bucky swore he could hear Steve thinking.

_Hi Punk,_

_Yeah, it’s me. I’m sorry that I tried to kill you and your friends. I wasn’t in my right mind, or even in my wrong one, I guess. I just want you to know I’m okay. I haven’t gone back to HYRDA and I’m still free._

_I am not the Asset anymore but I’m also not Bucky Barnes yet. I’m something in between, but hey at least I think I’m a person now._

_I don’t blame you Stevie, not for any of it. I don’t remember a lot but I know it wasn’t your fault. What happened to me. It was the Russian Assholes that took me. If you want to blame anyone blame them. Or maybe blame me for being weak and letting it happen._

_You deserve better than the fucked up shell of your ex-best friend in your life. I’m not a good person Steve, not like you. I want to try though. I want to try and learn to be good so I’ll see how that goes._

_Do me a favour? Tell Tony Stark that I killed his parents. He should hear it from a friend and not from some file on the internet. He may already know. Go to him anyway. Tell him I’m sorry. Howard was my friend and I feel sick for killing him. Yeah, Steve, I killed him. Don’t say it wasn’t my fault because I wasn’t in control. It was still my hands._

_I did this. I was a weapon and I did a lot of things that keep me up at night. You see why I have to stay away from you right? Stop trying to find me. You are going to get yourself killed for no reason. I’m not overseas and I’m not worth it Steve. I’m really not._

_Take care of yourself or let the other Avengers take care of you. You don’t have to do anything on your own._

_Bucky_

“Bucky.” His name sounded broken on Steve’s lips. It seemed like the super solider had sat heavily in the chair. “No one is better than you.” Now it sounded like the good Captain was crying. Shit. That had not been his intention. He had simply wanted Steve to know that he remembered, that he knew who he was and that he was safe. He didn’t need to chase him. Running a hand through his hair, he exited the Starbucks. Was he causing Steve more pain? It wasn’t like he could just come into Steve’s life. Tony Stark would make sure of that undoubtedly.

“You okay man?” Bucky flinched, thinking someone was talking to him when he remembered that he hadn’t taken the earpiece out yet.

“He called me Stevie. He knows me.” Steve said to Sam, “I don’t understand. Why won’t he come back to see me?” He sounded agitated and Bucky wasn’t sure what to do about this. Was he going about this the wrong way?

“I don’t know man, he’s going through a lot.” Sam assured him gently, “I don’t think it’s about you, I think it’s about him.” 

Bucky sighed as he waited for the two of them to come out of the house. Was he hurting Steve by not being around? Should he leave him alone? Maybe he needed to stay low and not do anything to draw attention to himself. Let Steve move on from him.

As he watched the two men come out of the house he frowned. Sam had his hand on Steve’s lower back and the red splotches on the blonde's face showed how upset he still was. Bucky felt his stomach drop. He hadn’t meant to hurt him.

Making his way to the bus station he decided to jump on the next one that came on and not worry about where he ended up. He couldn’t decide on what to do next so he thought maybe the universe could do it for him. He barked out a laugh as he entered the bus and found himself heading to New York City. He was pretty sure that had been his home at one point but his memory was patchy at best.

_Heading to NY. I’ve upset Steve. Think I am going to go radio silent. Thanks for your help._ He texted this to both Clint and JARVIS. They had helped him and been good friends but he needed to leave Steve alone. Bucky was convinced he was making the situation worse.

_Keep the phone on. Let me find out what is happening and I’ll get back to you. I’m having dinner with Steve, Sam and Nat tonight._ Arrow Guy was too good to him and he had no idea why. He sighed and turned the phone off. He needed to think without distraction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and the comments on the previous chapter. Remember to let me know if I need to change anything. Still not beta'd.
> 
> I'm Australian so I have no idea about American geography besides what I've seen on TV and what I have googled. Please let me know if I screw it up too badly!


	3. New York, New York

Bucky had a love/hate relationship with New York City. He loved how the people took no shit from anyone. They would (and did) punch aliens in the fucking face. Their attitude made him smile all the time. He hated how many of them there were though. People in NYC were like ants, crawling everywhere, in each others business all the time. No matter what time it was, he was ready for an attack. Logically he was pretty sure that no one was going to jump out at him and attack him, not with his death stare happening. Logic did shit though.

Sliding into a booth in the diner, Bucky made sure he had good sightlines as he fiddles with the menu. He had been trying out different ones all around the city; he didn’t mind this one. It was on the Lower East Side, and Martha made the best pancakes had head ever tasted. Well that he could remember tasting. Bucky snorted into his coffee and then looked up as the bell rang above the door. 

His luck had run out. It had been three weeks since he had left Ohio. Being true to his word he had not used the phone, it wasn’t even turned on. This made sure that he was tempted to call Arrow Guy or JARVIS. Wasn’t tempted to look at Steve’s name and pine over what could never be. It was a struggle every day but he had done it. Now though. Now Clint Barton was walking through the door of Bucky’s favourite diner and ruining everything. He liked Martha. He liked their coffee and the fact that they treated him like a human, and now he was going to have to find somewhere else to go that he couldn’t be found. Fucking Avengers.

“Before you shoot me,” Clint said as he neared the table, “I have NOT been following you. I didn’t even know where you were staying in New York dude. I saw your arm glint and decided that coffee with my friend would be a good idea.”

“I am not your friend,” Bucky said as he discreetly put the knife, he had drawn away. Clint would have known it was there but the diner staff didn’t need to.

“Ouch. You wound me.” Clint said as he put a hand over his heart, “I thought we had a connection Barnes and now your saying I made it up? You never write, you never call.”

“And yet you still didn’t get the hint?” The corners of his lips curled upwards without his consent. Bucky didn’t smile. His grumpy face kept people away from him. 

“Nah Nat says I’m too dense for hints.” Clint said this with a shrug, “I’m more of the hit me over the head with a 4x4 plank – that was not a suggestion.” He quickly added.

Bucky lost the battle and snorted out a laugh. “No hitting you with planks. A metal arm though?”

“Dude... NO.” Clint said as he eyed the food and coffee that were in front of Bucky, “can I get what he’s having?” He smiled up at Martha as he said it. He was waiting for her to leave before he turned back. “Seriously though Bucky, how you been? We’ve been worried about you.”

“We?” He raised a brow as he asked. 

“Yeah, JARVIS, Nat and I?” Clint said then shifted nervously. “I’m sorry I told Nat, she looks at me and it just comes out you know? She’s scary dude; I think she could kill me with her mind.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and snorted, “sure whatever.” He frowned and leant back against the back of the booth. “I’m fine. You don’t need to check on me.” He was fine. Really. It didn’t matter if he had lost some weight and that the nightmares were not getting any better. He was doing okay.

“You could be better than fine. I mean I knew Cap was stubborn but you my man, you could probably out stubborn him.” Clint nodded sagely as he went to take another sip of his coffee. 

“Do you realise that I have no idea what you are talking about?” Bucky questioned him as he took a bite of his pancake. “I mean, does anyone have any idea what you are on about when you open your mouth?” The thing was Bucky actually liked Clint. He had a feeling that in another life they could have been friends. Not in this life though. Not when Bucky wasn’t even sure he was worth having coffee with let alone anything else.

Clint looked down sadly as the cream from his pancake fell onto his shirt, “aww cream no.” Looking back up at Bucky he shook his head before saying “Don’t play grumpy with me Barnes, you are a big softy under that gruff exterior.”

“I’m the fucking Winter Solider; I am not SOFT.” Bucky looked disgusted at the thought. He wasn’t soft. He could kill everyone here with a fork and not break a sweat. 

“Yeah, whatever.” Clint waved his fork around, letting the pancake fall from it as he poked it in Bucky’s general direction. “You my friend are a big teddy bear that I wanna hug to death.” 

“I would like to see you try,” Bucky said with a stubborn tilt to his jaw. He didn’t do touching. Every time anyone touched him, it was to hurt him and he was tired of being hurt like that. “That was not a challenge,” Bucky warned him.

“You will see me try just not right now because my food is getting cold and I’m buying us both another coffee.” Clint grinned at him.

Bucky turned serious for a moment and then sighed, “’ why are you doing this, Clint?” It was a question that plagued him, “I know you said it’s for Steve, but you made contact. You gave me the phone. Your obligation has ended now. I don’t get why you are here.” He would understand if Nat sent him. From the little, he remembered of her she was a stubborn, beautiful woman who was more kind-hearted than people gave her credit for. 

“I like you. I think you need a friend and for some stupid reason, you won’t go to Steve. He’s a mess by the way. Throwing himself into every mission in the last few weeks to try and stop thinking about you.” Clint sighed then made grabby hands as the coffee came near. “Seriously I have never seen a grown man mope as much as him and I live with Tony Stark.”

At the mention of Stark Bucky stiffened. Had Steve told him? Was Tony looking for him? Paranoia worked it’s way up his spine as he looked around. Clint might have stumbled on him but that didn’t mean he hadn’t been followed. How had he gotten so comfortable that he had let his guard down?

If Clint noticed his sudden wariness, he decided to ignore it. “Sam is trying to get him to chill out, you know him being his best friend, but eh, Steve doesn’t do chill I don’t think. All or nothing am I right?”

“Steve doesn’t need me. He has you and the rest of the goon squad. There is no room for me; I’m too broken to be good for him.” It was good to say it out loud finally. Bucky was not good enough for Steve, and he should leave him be.

Clint huffed a sigh and then snorted, which was unfortunate, as he was drinking coffee and it went up his nose. Coughing his eyes widened as he tried to recover.

“Oh, my God. I’m not going to kill you; you are doing such a good job of that yourself.” Bucky muttered as he handed him a napkin.

Clint waved him off, “Steve needs you Bucky. You aren’t broken maybe a little damaged but we all are. Yeah, he has us and he likes us. You are what he needs, though. Before he realised you were alive, he was drifting. You put the light back in his eyes and he needs you. Maybe you won’t be good for him. Maybe he won’t be good for you but you won’t know unless you talk to him. That’s all I’m suggesting man, talk to him. You don’t have to be bosom buddies with him again.”

Bucky rolled his eyes, “Steven Rogers is a stubborn asshole. As soon as I talk to him, he’ll guilt me into staying. We both know that.” He took a deep breath. “I tried to kill him, Sam and Nat, I killed Starks parents.” He shook his head, “I’m not making him choose.”

“Bucky it’s not a you or us situation. Yeah okay, I can’t speak for the rest of the team, especially Tony, but you’d fit in. You have more damage than the rest of us, but you don’t think we could help you? You don’t think we’d want to try?” Clint shook his head, “you have a right to choose for yourself. I wish you’d see that you are worth the attention people give you. You are worth the admiration you have for being Bucky Barnes. Yeah, something shit happened to you. It was fucked up, and I want to help Cap burn them to the ground for hurting you.” Clint never spoke this much. He was usually the one that observed and only spoke seriously when it was necessary. Reassuring Bucky and trying to get him to understand that he had people in his corner, well that seemed important.

Clint put a finger up to silence Bucky as the other man went to speak, “he won’t have to choose his new team or you. He’d chose you every time anyway. Just think about it alright and turn the phone back on so I stop worrying about you. You’ll give me wrinkles and make me go grow before my time.” He told him lightening the mood.

Bucky had a lot to think about with Clint’s barrage of words. Too many words. He was still catching up to what the other man had said when Clint’s phone went off. He stayed quiet as Clint answered it.

“What the fuck? Really? Okay, Nat, I’ll be there. Yeah, I’m with him. Nah he’s not coming with me. How long?” Bucky raised a brow as Clint suddenly stood. “Gotta go, man, people are attacking civilians in Central Park. No idea why. Take care k? If you want to help, we won’t say no. Otherwise, leave the phone on or I’ll make JARVIS hack it so you can’t turn it off.”

Bucky frowned as he watched Clint sprint away. He didn’t want to fight, but this was his home now and Clint. Well, Clint could be his friend. Sighing, he got to his feet and paid Martha what he owed her. He needed to go and get his weapons. It was time to go and save Captain Dumbass’ again. At least this was something familiar. He would see Steve again; he just hoped that he didn’t slip and ‘accidentally’ shoot him instead of the bad guys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos and comments. Steve's POV next chapter!


	4. You're My Best Friend

Steve had no idea why HYDRA would attack innocent civilians in Central Park. What was, even more, stupider about it was that it was raining so most people were indoors anyway. The situation was making him uncomfortable. They had to be up to something, but he couldn’t work it out. Apparently, his brain wasn’t thinking things through this day because it was lingering on Bucky.

His best friend was back from the dead and had not been in contact with him since he had left him a letter. That letter made him so angry he wanted to hit Bucky in his perfect jaw. Not good enough for him? There was no universe where Steve would be better off without Bucky Barnes in it.

“You know how I believe you have eyes in the back of your head? Now might be an excellent time to use them. “Barton told him as he fired an arrow at the agent that was sneaking up behind Steve.

“Sorry, you’re right,” Steve said as he tried to drag back into the game. This was most likely a diversion but for what? He frowned as he hit the agent in front of him. “Anyone get the feeling this is too easy?”

“Easy isn’t bad sometimes Cap,” Stark said as he swooped, “in this case, I think something is up though. I think these things are robots. Strip one of them and see.”

“What if they aren’t? That’s not something I want to see.” Rogers almost whined as he said it.

“Babies.” Nat hissed as she knocked the agent in front of her down and ripped off his jacket. “Damnit I hate saying Stark is right. They aren’t your suits but they aren’t exactly human.”

“Romanoff, I am always right. I take great offence at you not thinking that is the case.” Stark said as he landed near the robot thing. “They don’t look like anything I know.”

“JARVIS have any idea?” Steve asked as he toed the one near him, they seemed to have stopped for now, which was good, the others could catch their breath.

“J?” Even as Stark asked, he was pushed back as the robot/thing below him exploded.

“TONY!” Steve yelled as he moved closer to him. Why had they not scanned it first? “Fuck. We all need to get to cover, I’ll grab Stark.” He told Natasha as he headed to the downed man. He was the only strong enough to grab him in his suit and haul him out of there in a timely fashion. How had they missed this? It was routine for them to scan the bodies but not until after the fight. This had to be HYDRA. They knew how they ran their missions so it wouldn’t surprise Steve that they would know their protocols when it came to dead bodies.

He had almost reached Tony when another explosion near the prone man went off. “No No No,” Steve yelled as he broke into a run. He was not going to lose him. Not on his watch. The trouble was there was another bomb and Stark was laying on top of it. If that went before he regained consciousness... “JARVIS get him out of here.”

“The suit is not responding, Captain.” Was the reply that he received. Even as he said it, the bomb exploded.

Steve watched it happen in horror, this was not happening. First Bucky and now Stark? He couldn’t watch his teammates, his friends, die. He stopped, and for one moment he allowed the panic he felt too well up inside him.

“TONY!” Nat was racing back towards the fire that was now there. “We need to get this fire out so we can get to him, Steve. Clint, water now.”

“On it, fire and rescue are on their way,” Clint said even as he made his way to the ground level.

“Sir would like you to know he is not dead.” JARVIS’ voice came over the coms. “We are rebooting the system; he will be clear to fly soon.”

“How did he not die?” Nat asked with a furrow to her brow as Steve caught up with her. “He should be dead.”

“No faith in me Romanoff.” His voice sounded weak. “Cybertron threw himself in front of me. We need to get him back to the tower. He has shrapnel in his shoulder, and he’s bleeding badly.”

“Who the hell is Cybertron?” Steve asked as he saw Stark raise himself upwards with a figure in his arms. “Bucky. No not Buck…” He went pale as Nat put her hand on his arm to try and ground him.

“He will live Cap, really,” Clint said as he finally reached them. His worried gaze went to the prone figure in Stark’s arms. “The tower is close, let’s get him back, you can carry him right? Tony shouldn’t be carrying that much

weight and Bruce said he has Dr Cho coming to look at both of them,” he waved his arm in Tony and Bucky’s direction.

“How did he know.” His gaze swung to Clint. “Barton?”

“Come on, Steve, we need to get them back.” He moved to help Stark and then Steve shuddered and rushed forward.

“You’re right but this is not over.” He warned the other man as he reached out to take Bucky. “We should wait for rescue, right?”

“Umm no.” Natasha said, “for Stark yes, but not Barnes, we have to move him before the cameras get here Steve. He can’t be here.” No one knew that the Solider was still alive. If HYDRA finds out, they would never leave him alone.

“Go, “Stark waved a hand as he collapsed back onto the ground. “Get out of here, to the tower Rogers.”

When Steve had dreamt of having his best friend back, of putting his arms around him, it was not like this. Not with Bucky bleeding and injured having saved his other friend. It was so like him to just throw himself onto a bomb for a stranger. Had he done it out of guilt? It had gutted him to know that he had killed Howard. Howard had been a friend to both Bucky and Steve. Even though Howard and Steve had gotten along, well there had been a bond between Bucky and Howard because Bucky loved science and wanted to go the future with Howard’s inventions.

“Hang on Buck, we’re almost there,” Steve told his friend as he carried him as quickly as he could without killing him. “I can’t lose you again.” Bucky made no sound. By the time he was back at the tower, Steve was in tears.

“Steve, you need to let him go, he has to come with us,” Bruce said softly as he tried to get Steve to put him on the stretcher so he could go with Cho through to medical. “You trust me right? I’ll stay with him.” He promised as he watched the tears fall.

“Yeah,” Steve said as he put the body on the stretchers. Leaning down, he kissed Bucky’s forehead then looked at Bruce. “Don’t let him die.” How many times could he watch this happen without breaking himself? “I need to get back to Stark.”

“Stay here Steve, Nat is handling the fallout, we sent a transport out for Clint and Tony, they will be back soon.”

Steve was torn. It was his job to do the tidy up, make sure the fires were all out and that whoever had been caught up in the blast was safe. He didn’t want to leave the tower though. If they needed blood for Bucky, he was their best bed besides he didn’t want Bucky to wake up alone.

“I will keep you informed Captain,” JARVIS said as gently as he could. “Doctor Cho is the best we have to offer, she will not let anything happen to him.”

“Did you know JARVIS? That he was nearby.”

“No, Captain Rogers, I did not. He had a phone with my number on it but he has not contacted me. He has a lot to answer for when he wakes up.” If an AI could sound pissy, then JARVIS was it.

Steve sat in one of the waiting room seats. They should be debriefing, they should be trying to find out who had caused this and what their next step would be. Right now he couldn’t bring himself to care. “Is Tony okay?” He asked JARVIS, mainly because he didn’t want to think of Bucky laying in the next room being operated on.

“You should hear him at any moment,” JARVIS informed him. “He is fine. If he were not talking, then your concern would be warranted.”

Steve let out a snort as he heard that. “You should be a bit nicer to him, he’s just had major heart surgery.”

“Yes and he was informed that he should not have been out with you but decided to go anyway. Ms Potts is not happy with him.”

“I can imagine. Is Ms Potts upset with me?” Steve hadn’t asked Tony to come with them but he also hadn’t stopped him when he had shown up. He should have been more forceful in making Tony go back home.

“No Captain Rogers, she knows how stubborn Sir can be.”

He nodded and then looked at Clint as he dropped down beside him, “how’s Stark?”

“He’s fine. Just needs to be checked because of the old ticker.” Clint grinned and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “How’s your boy?”

Dropping his head down as he lent on his knees, he sighed, “I haven’t heard anything, Clint. I.. I can’t lose him.”

Reaching out, Clint patted his leg, “he’ll be fine. He’s got the super thing like you right? Besides he’s the Winter Soldier, pretty sure he can survive anything.”

“Clint,” Steve hesitated, “JARVIS said he had a phone? Who..”

“Yeah, sorry.” He couldn’t quite look at Steve, “Pepper gave it to me. JARVIS helped me out. I should have told you I know, it’s just I wanted to make sure he knew he could have someone in his corner. Look I don’t talk about the Loki thing but I get it. I get him.”

“Hey,” sighing he touched Clint’s shoulder, “I’m not going to say I’m disappointed that I could have been in contact with him earlier; I am glad he had you. You are a good friend Clint.”

“I’m your friend to Cap, try and remember that,” Clint said as he gave him a smile.

“I know Clint. I’m sorry if I’ve been standoffish. Friendship is hard for me.” He had always had Bucky and that had been enough. Bucky had found it easy to get on with everyone whereas he had been too prickly, too busy trying to prove himself to the world.

Shoving Steve with his shoulder he grinned at him, “come on Steve, it’s just us. If you can’t be your fucked up self around us, then who will ever see you?”

Nat walked in and dropped down next to Clint. “Next time Rogers, you are doing press.” She rolled her shoulders and kissed them both on the cheek. “I just wanted to let you know I’m having a shower and ordering some food. Yes, Clint. Pizza.”

“Aww Nat, I love you.” Clint said, “you are my favourite, after Pizza of course.”

Steve snorted, “I’ll be down here, Nat. I,” his gaze went to the door, “I’m not ready yet.”

Nat nodded, “we’ll bring it down to you don’t worry.”

It was that moment Bruce walked out, “Steve? He’s out of surgery, he’s going to be okay. We are going to keep him sedated for as long as we can. His right shoulder was banged up and he has burns. He’s going to find though. You should go and have a shower, get some rest. I’ll let you know when he wakes up.”

Steve fell back into the chair and rubbed at his eyes, he was going to cry again. He hadn’t cried this much since Bucky fell from the train. “No, I want to be there when he wakes up.” Maybe Bucky wouldn’t want to see him, but he needed to be there. He couldn’t leave him on his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I know I'm pretty sure that they would have scanned the robot things as I like to call them. I have just decided that it didn't fit in with Bucky saving Tony. Creative Licence and all that!
> 
> I SUCK at fight scene so.. sorry for that


	5. Coming Home

The faint beeping came to him wasn’t something he was used to. The next was the pain. What the hell had happened to him, and why was he not back in cryo? The Asset could not be useful if he were injured. He didn’t make any noise as he laid there, trying to hear what was happening because he was not going to open his eyes and show them that he was awake. He didn’t know where he was or who had him. He was not in a position to defend himself, so the longer he could heal, the better it would be.

“Steve, go and get some rest, I’ll stay.” He knew that voice. Arrow Guy. He was with the fucking Avengers. He should have stayed out of their fight, but he had jumped in, hadn’t he? Steve’s dumbness had finally rubbed off on him and he was becoming self-sacrificing like him.

“No, Clint, I need to be here when he wakes up.”

“It’s been 4 days Cap, you need to rest.”

“I said no.”

“Would you both shut up and let me die in peace?” Bucky finally growled. The two of them were giving him a headache. 

“BUCKY!” Steve jumped forward to put a hand on his shoulder, “you’re awake.”

“Thanks. What part of headache did you miss?”

“Sorry,” Steve sounded regretful but he would need to open his eyes. 

“I’m going to go get Dr Cho,” Clint said, and Bucky could hear him leaving the room. With more effort than he wanted to use, he opened his eyes with a groan.

“Steve?”

“Yeah, Buck?”

“Why don’t you just put me back in the tank?” Bucky was curious about that. Surely they knew he was only effective after the tank. He watched as Steve’s hands clenched and he recoiled back from Bucky. Was he going to hit him? He flinched then braced himself for the hit. It would suck, but with everything he had done, he would deserve it.

“We do not use things like a tank Sargent Barnes.” It was Doctor Cho that answered him as a black man followed her in and put a hand on Steve’s arm to help calm him down. “I don’t think we even have on here to put you in.”

Bucky nodded, “you should get him out of here, he needs to rest.” Sam. It was Sam, his new best friend that had replaced Bucky. He knew that now.

“I am not leaving you, Bucky.” Steve frowned as he inched closer, shaking Sam’s hand from his arm as he did so. “You are stuck with me now.”

See, this was why he had stayed away. Steve wouldn’t leave him alone and he would expect too much from him. He would expect him to be a person and he wasn’t, not really. Yes, he had learned to be more normal, but he wasn’t the Bucky that Steve knew. He probably never would be. Giving him the benefit of the doubt was something Bucky had always done though.

“Yay, can’t wait,” Bucky said with some sarcasm as Sam scoffed.

“I’m Sam Wilson.” He came forward but didn’t offer his hand yet. Bucky appreciated that. 

“Sorry about your wings, it wasn’t personal,” Bucky said with a shrug. The shrug caused him to hiss in pain as his shoulder right shoulder was still healing. 

“It felt personal man, but I will give you the benefit of the doubt,” Sam smirked then looked at Cho. “So Doc, is he going to live?”

Helen Cho had looked at them and shaken her head, “well Mr Barnes, the surgery went well. We had to work fast due to your healing ability. The bomb caused burns to your right side, they are healing well but you may find yourself itchy for the next few weeks. That is normal and don’t itch it. Your shoulder was the main thing as shrapnel went through it. You won’t be able to move it much although I believe it should be healed within a few days. We would be happy to release you from the infirmary tomorrow, but you should stay close in case something happens and I would prefer you have someone to look after you.”

Bucky was about to protest when Steve opened his mouth, “that isn’t a problem Ma’am, Bucky is coming to stay on my floor here.”

“I am?”

“Of course, Bucky, it’s more comfortable than here. You need to come home, Buck. I.. please.”

Bucky sighed, his gaze went to Sam, who just nodded a little, “fine I’ll come and stay on your stupid floor. I expect breakfast in bed every day, and there had better be good coffee.”

Steve rolled his eyes, “fine your highness good coffee it is.”

“You also need to clear it with Stark. He might not want the murder of his parent living so close.” He looked at Steve, “my other condition is that you get out of here and shower. You stink.”

“Always calling me names Buck, somethings never change.” He tried to hide the tears in his eyes as he lent down then stopped, “may I hug you?”

“No,” Bucky said and then sighed at the look in Steve’s eyes. “It hurts too much punk. Let me heal first, then you can have a hug.”

“Of course Buck, sorry, I’ll go and get cleaned up, I’ll see you soon.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” His gaze drifted to the door then back to Steve and Sam. “As you said, we are stuck with each other.”

Steve left and waited out the door for Sam. Before he left, Sam looked at the man in the bed and tilted his head, “don’t leave man. It will kill him. It really will.”

“I told him I wouldn’t unless Stark tells me to go.”

“Stark is not going to do that,” Tony said as he walked into the room. “Shoo Wilson, take Star-Spangled up, he’s stinking up my tower.” He waved them off and called out to Steve, “I won’t kill him.”

Bucky fell silent and tried to straighten up, he hissed in pain, but he could run if he had to. Did he want to though? Didn’t Tony have the right to kill him as he murdered his parents? If anyone deserved it, then Tony did. 

“I’m not going to hurt you Robocop, I just wanted to know why you saved my life,” Tony said as he waited by the door for his answer.

“I did it for Howard. He would have wanted me to protect you.” Bucky couldn’t meet his eyes. “He was my friend.”

Tony sighed and rubbed his hand over his forehead before he looked at the man in the bed. “I need time but stay here and recoup. If you need help with the arm, let me know, I’ll fix it.”

“Why?”

“For Steve, he’s my friend and losing you would mean us losing him. I’m not ready for that. Stay here, Barnes, you may not be welcome, but you will be tolerated.” With that, he left before Bucky could protest any more. 

It was strange. Bucky was not sure how he felt about moving back in with Steve. He had been prepared to walk away from him to keep him safe and here he was, stuck living with him. Hopefully, no one would come for them while he was trying to heal.

“Welcome to the tower, Sargent Barnes. If you need anything, I am available at all times. Just say my name, and I will be able to hear you.” JARVIS told him.

“So you watch everything all the time?” He didn’t like being surveilled like that. He didn’t mean to sound like he didn’t appreciate what they were doing for him.

“I do not monitor the bedrooms or bathrooms. If my name is called, I can, of course, answer and help but I try to stay out of the residences business. That is not my role. I do not report everything back to Sir or Ms Potts when it comes to the privacy of people. You are safe with me.”

He sighed as he thought about it. “Alright JARVIS, I guess if you didn’t rat me out earlier, I could trust you not to do it now.” Maybe he would regret it, perhaps he wouldn’t, but there was nothing he could do right now. He was stuck in the medical bay until Steve came back and took him away. Then he would be stuck with Steve for however long he chose to stay here. He had a feeling it would be until Steve got sick of him.

It felt right to be with Steve again. It had been three months since he had tried to kill the super solider. He knew he had a long way to go before he was healed, it may never happen. If Steve wanted to take that chance with him, he would do his best not to kill anyone. Besides Arrow Guy was his friend and he was looking forward to getting to know him more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for this being so short - I had an infection caused by an abscess in my tooth so I'm in pain and grumpy because they had to remove my tooth suddenly.
> 
> Thank you for everyone that has given me kudos and commented on the fic, I'm always open to creative criticism.


	6. Good Things

“When you said you wanted me to come and get your prized possessions with you I didn’t think it meant your weapon cache.” Clint moaned as he walked into Steve’s floor in the Avengers Tower.

“What the hell did you think I meant? My cuddly toy collection?” Bucky asked him, and there was genuine curiosity in his voice.

“I don’t know, photos or something, like normal people, have!” Clint protested then turned to Steve, “back me up here, Steve.”

“Yeah, back him up Steve, explain to him how a mind fucked assassin with few memories would be ALLOWED to keep mementoes by their evil oversees.”

By the look on both Clint and Steve’s face that may have gone a bit far. He could see them both flinch, and poor Steve looked like a ghost. “Sorry,” Bucky muttered as he looked around the room. He needed to do a sweep and make sure everything was secure. It didn’t matter how reassuring everyone had been about this being the safest building in the country he didn’t believe it. The Avengers went out and saved the world and the building was left to defend itself. No matter how good an AI they had, it could still be hacked. Tony didn’t seem to understand that there was always someone smarter, better, faster out there.

“It’s okay,” Steve said, but the frown was still there. “I have some photos, or we can go to DC and see the exhibit. They have things there too.”

“I went to the exhibit, a lot actually. It’s how I knew you. I mean how I knew that I had a history with you.”

A soft smile met his gaze as he looked over at Steve. Clint hummed and then broke the sudden silence. “So I was promised Pizza if I helped you cart your ‘prized’ possessions all over town.”

“Yeah, Steve, we owe Clint pizza,” Bucky waved his hand as he collected the said weapon cache, which in reality was just some bags stuffed full of guns, knives, grenades and anything else he was able to get his hands on when he was raiding HYDRA.

“That’s the only reason you keep me around, isn’t it? To buy the food.”

“You have money, I don’t.” Bucky pointed out. He had money, but it was stashed in all sorts of places in case he had to move in a hurry. He couldn’t say that to Steve though because he was pretty sure he would cling to him, and he would never be allowed out of the super-soldiers sight again.

Taking the weapons, he placed the bags on his bed then stood there for a moment. Bowing his head, he sighed, then shifted through them. He did have some clothes in there, not many, but some. It was hard to look after yourself when you were always looking over your shoulder. Besides, he was still finding it hard to believe he was worth looking after. What if Steve got to know this version of Bucky and decided he wasn’t worth all this trouble? He had to be prepared to leave so he would keep a go-bag just in case. That decided he walked back out of the room. He would make sure the area was secure when Steve was sleeping. No point in letting him know where he was putting the weapons, he would just remove them without Bucky’s consent.

“You do realise you do not need those weapons, Sargent. I am very secure.” JARVIS pointed out as he walked out.

Bucky snorted, “you keep telling yourself that Pal.”

“Do you want pizza Bucky?” Steve asked as he waved his phone at him, “I’m about to order, so if you have anything you want, let me know.”

“I’m just going to have a protein shake,” Bucky said as he walked to the kitchen.

“Why would you have one of them when you can have pizza?” Clint asked him as he pulled a face at the thought.

“You do realise,” Bucky spun around at the sound of the voice, it was female, and he didn’t know it. The knife he had stashed in one of his pockets was out in a flash as he crouched defensively. The red-headed woman put her hands up in a gesture of submission, “that James was most likely given protein shakes and tube fed and that real food is still hard on his stomach. You can stand down solider, I am Natasha, a friend.”

“They didn’t feed you?” The devastation in Steve’s voice had Bucky shaking. He wanted to go over to his friend and hug him until he felt better but he couldn’t stop his body from facing Natasha because he knew she was the biggest threat in this room. Steve may have the strength, but he had the feeling that Natasha had the ability, and the wisdom, to bring them all down if the situation needed it.

He growled then watched her as she inched over to Steve, taking his phone she put the order in the tossed it back to him, “they fed me. Just.. in a tube. I had enough nutrients to sustain me for the mission.”

“Dude, what if you got hungry?” Clint asked.

“Then it meant that I had taken too long and was being punished,” Bucky said matter of factly. To him, it wasn’t a big deal. It was something that had happened and in reality, it hadn’t even been the worst thing that happened to him.

“That’s fucked up, man.” Clint muttered, “I mean, I know food withdrawal is a thing, but you shouldn’t come between a man and his food.”

“Hey, Clint,” he grinned suddenly, “they never let me have coffee.”

“I am going to kill every single one of them.” Clint gasped dramatically, “no pizza or coffee? Man, I’d fucking jump off a cliff if that happened to me. Oh My God, you just called me Clint. Does that make us besties now?”

Chuckling Bucky finally put the knife away, his eyes only straying from Natasha to check on Steve. The blonde was hunched in on himself, and he knew that Steve was having a hard time processing what Bucky had let slip. Sure he had been joking about it because if he didn’t, well he wasn’t going to cry in front of Natasha and Clint. Bucky moved closer to Steve, nudging him with his hip, “you okay Pal?”

“Yeah, I just need,” Steve quickly moved from the room and Bucky watched him with worried eyes.

“You should go with him,” Natasha said softly, “we will wait for the pizza out here. Don’t mind us, I promise I am not planting anything, you can check and kill me later if I am. I’m just here to spend time with my friends.”

Bucky didn’t trust her, but he looked at Clint, who nodded. He believed Clint, and he quickly made his way to Steve’s room, “Stevie?” He called and opened the door if Steve told him to go, he would but he needed to know that he was okay. When he opened the door, his heart dropped as he saw those broad shoulders, that could hold up the world, silently shaking.

“Oh, Stevie, I’m sorry,” Bucky whispered as he wrapped both of his arms around the super solider. He pressed his cheek to the other man’s back as he tried to not wince at the movement of his injured shoulder. Bucky was used to pain and being in it meant nothing compared to what was happened with Steve right now. His friend needed him. That was much more important.

“I’m so angry Bucky, this.. you.. it was my fault. I should have caught you and they,” his voice stuttered as he tried to gain control of his emotions. “We have a file of what they did to you, and I hate them. I want to kill all of them because they hurt the only good thing in my world.”

“It was never your fault Steve, did you not read my letter? I have never, not once, blamed you.” Bucky told him as he tried to move the larger man so he was facing him. He would not let go of him again. “What happened to me was shitty, but it was not on you.”

“I should have looked for you,” Steve said it even as he finally got his tears under control. “If I could go back in time, I’d find you.” He promised him. “I would’ve burnt the world down to find you.”

“I know Stevie, I know,” Bucky promised him as he rubbed his back, “now you don’t have to. I’m here. I might not be much, but I’m here.” He promised him.

“Promise you’ll stay? I can’t do this without you Bucky.”

“I’ll stay.” Until he wasn’t safe. Then again, Steve would most likely get sick of him once he realised what a mess Bucky Barnes had become.

“Hey, losers! Pizza is here.” Clint called out, “I’m going to eat all of it,” he yelped, “other than what Nat eats,” obviously Nat had hit him.

“We should eat Steve. I’ll even try some okay?” Bucky coaxed. “You need to eat, and I need to make sure Natasha hasn’t bugged the place because she makes me jumpy.”

Steve snorted but went to the bathroom to wash his face. This wasn’t the first time he had cried around Bucky, and he was pretty sure it wouldn’t be the last. “She makes everyone that way, but she is a great friend and the best person to have on your side.” He assured Bucky. He didn’t think any of the Avengers would do anything to Barnes, because if they did, well they would see a very different side of Steven Grant Rogers.

Walking out into the kitchen, Bucky couldn’t help but chuckle as he saw Clint and Nat. Clint looked like a chipmunk with so much pizza stuffed in his mouth that his cheeks were bulging. “Really?” Bucky said as he flopped down on the couch.

“He is a growing boy James,” Nat said with a smirk.

“Yeah, growing outwards,” Bucky muttered as he reached for a piece of pizza. He wasn’t sure he wanted to try this but he had promised Steve. He needed to eat ‘real’ food. “Is this shit actually going to give me any nutrients I need?”

“Eh, it’s not that great for you, but it tastes fantastic. Not everything has to be because you need it, James, you are allowed to want things, it’s called being human.”

Bucky sighed as his gaze went to Steve as he bit into the slice of pizza. Wanting things, asking for things, that would just get him punished. He was pretty sure that Steve wouldn’t hurt him. As he swallowed the pizza, his eyes widened. “Why do people hide things like this from me? This is amazing. I need all the food.”

“All the food? Okay, I am your man.” Clint said with a nod of his head, “I will bring you as much junk food as you want, and Steve can take care of the healthy shit.”

Bucky’s lips twitched as he gave Steve a look, “as long as he doesn’t try and cook it. I can’t really remember, but you don’t cook, right? I think I cook.” He frowned as he said it. He wished he could remember more of Steve. He hated that he couldn’t, that HYDRA stole that more than anything else they did for him.

“I can cook.” Steve protested.

“Occasionally it’s even edible,” Nat pointed out as she chewed on a pizza slice.

Steve snorted and then threw a crust at her, “who invited you to our floor anyway?”

Bucky suddenly stopped chewing as he looked at Steve with a shocked look, “our floor? Does someone live with you?” He hadn’t asked if Steve already had a roommate. What if he had a live-in lover? What would he do if they hated him?

“Yes, Bucky, you do.” He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“It’s not my floor. It’s yours.”

“What’s mine is yours. It’s always been that way, well other than the shield but that’s because Howard always thought you’d break it.”

“What? I would never,” Bucky protested and then nudged him, “he thought I would smack you over your thick head with it. He was right.”

They spent the rest of the night with Natasha and Clint. Sometimes Steve would try and remind him of their shared history. He never seemed to get upset when he said he couldn’t remember, but Bucky couldn’t help but worry that he was disappointing his friend. Maybe he needed to pretend to remember more, so Steve didn’t try and get rid to him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am currently doing a creative writing course and writing my own novel. What does this mean? Well, that I'll have to edit this WHOLE thing as I learn new skills haha.


	7. My Mind's A Mess

Bucky stared at the infirmary door and sighed, he didn’t want to go in there. He didn’t really understand why Dr Cho couldn’t come to Steve’s floor and see him there. She only wanted to do a check to make sure everything had healed okay. Apparently, his rip off serum healed him but slower than Steve’s super serum. 

Steve was not with him today, and it worried him. It wasn’t that he wanted to hurt anyone; it was just that he tended to lash out when he felt threatened. He had promised that he wouldn’t bring any weapons with him, it was a promise he couldn’t keep, but he was sure JARVIS would have told them that. He looked around for any guards but couldn’t see any.

“Come in, James,” Helen Cho called, “the quicker you come in, the quicker we are done.”

JARVIS must have let her know he was here. Running a hand through his hair, he took a deep breath before he entered the room. He could do this. He was going to do this out of spite. Steve had asked him to wait until he got back from whatever PR nightmare Stark had dragged him along too. He was going to show Steve he could do shit on his own.

Living with the super solider was a blessing and a curse all in one. Bucky felt like he always had to be switched on, and it was exhausting. If he was having a bad day, he had to try and hide it because Steve hovered and tried to work out what he could do to make it better. It didn’t matter that he couldn’t make it better. It didn’t matter that all Bucky wanted to do some days was wallow and let it wash over him. No, with Steve there he always had to pretend to be okay.

Steve was a blessing, though. There was no doubt in Bucky’s mind that Steve had always been the best thing about his life. His little spitfire that didn’t know how to back down from a fight. It had been his honour to be his best friend and that hadn’t changed. He would take the exhaustion over not having Steve in his life any day of the week.

Bucky stopped in the doorway as his eyes flickered to the dark-haired man. He looked unassuming, but he knew better than to judge people by their looks. Look at Steve, he was like a big golden Labrador, all friendly and earnest, underneath that he was a snapping Chihuahua that would rip your throat out if he could.

“There you are James, this is Dr Bruce Banner, he helped with your operation.”

“Hello, James.”

Tilting his head, he frowned, “Steve’s talked about you.” If he could only remember why he talked about him.

Bruce nodded, “I’ve worked with him before.”

Bucky shrugged and accepted that as he jumped up onto the bed, dangling his feet from the side, he looked at Cho, “I don’t like the chair.” He pointed out.

“I know James, that’s why I let you sit on the bed. Do you mind taking off your shirt so I can check the burns?”

Without saying anything, Bucky took his shirt off. It wasn’t like he really had a choice here, he wasn’t sure what the consequences were, but he didn’t have Steve here to run interference.

“They are looking good,” Bruce said as he gazed at them. Bucky noticed him looking at his arm and sighed, why couldn’t people see than that? He knew it was ugly and it had killed more people than it had saved. “Did the cream we gave you help at all?”

“Sure, the itching stopped when I put it on, stinks though.”

Bruce grinned and seemed to wring his hands, “good that’s good. I mean not about the smell but that it worked. We developed it for Steve, so I’m glad to know that it will help him if he ever needs it. I mean I’m glad it helped you of course.”

“Yeah, of course,” Bucky didn’t believe a word of it. No one would care if he was in pain, well Steve and Clint would, but they were stupid. The pain was second nature to him, like a comfortable second skin. He was used to it, and he wondered what it would feel like to not be in pain.

“Bruce, are you coming for a cup of tea?” A strawberry blonde asked as they walked int the room then paused. “Oh, I am sorry Dr Cho, I did not realise you had a patient with you.”

“It’s fine Ms Potts,” Cho said, “we were just wrapping up. See James, no needles, they are healing wonderfully well. You won’t even scar,” she sighed, “I wish I could give your healing abilities to the world, but I can’t. Instead, I can just work on the cradle, I’ll have to test it on someone when it’s finished.”

“The cradle?” Bucky asked, “what is that? I would be healed by now if I had the cryo chamber, but you won’t let me have one. Is your cradle like that?”

Cho rolled her eyes at his pouting tone, “I told you we don’t freeze people to heal them. I’ll tell you all about the chamber later, I have to get going now though as I have another appointment.” She smiled at him, handing him back the red henley he had discarded. “You are doing well, James, I hope you stay.”

“For Steve’s sake, yeah, I know.”

“No, for your own sake. Your safety and wellbeing are important. If you ever want to talk to someone, I can give you some recommendations.”

“Yeah I don’t do head doctors,” Bucky recoiled at the thought of having someone inside his head fucking around with what few memories he had. “I’m good as I am thanks.”

“Would you like to join us for tea, James?” Pepper Potts asked. Bucky was glad that she had intervened as he was starting to feel uncomfortable with the way the conversation had been heading. He liked Dr Cho, she wasn’t like the HYDRA doctors, but that didn’t mean he wanted to talk about ‘therapy’ or what else was fucked up with him.

“Thank you for the offer Ma’am, but I should get back to Steve’s.” He couldn’t be around people yet, he would hurt them. Sure Steve hadn’t expressed that he couldn’t leave his floor, but he knew that his friend would be upset if he made the other members of the tower dislike him because Steve wasn’t there to charm them.

“Oh nonsense, you are coming with us for tea.” Pepper decided and then held her hand out, “I am Pepper Potts by the way. I run Stark Industries and try and corral Tony into being a normal person. I’m only successful at one of those things.” The tall woman wasn’t afraid of him, and he didn’t understand her at all.

“Yes James, you should come and have tea with us. We can tell you all the bullshit Steve gets up to when you aren’t around,” Bruce said this with a sly smile. That bastard knew that James couldn’t resist that.

“If we are going to be having tea, then you should call me Bucky.”

“Bucky, it’s a pleasure to meet you,” Pepper said as she linked her arm through his and tugged him along. “Oh wait, sorry, I should have asked if you mind being touched?”

“It... It’s fine.” He was confused as all shit by these people. Did they not know he was the winter soldier? Did they not know he could kill them before they could even blink? They should be making sure he was secure and locked away. Touch was not something he was used to, not touch without pain. Steve wanted to hug him, so far he had avoided it; maybe he shouldn’t. Was it reasonable to touch people like this?

“Excellent,” she smiled and seemed to read his confusion before she nodded at Bruce, “Bruce is the Hulk. I’m not sure if you’ve seen the footage of the battle of New York, he was the big green guy.”

Bruce refused to look at him as Bucky watched him. That’s why they weren’t afraid, Bruce could flatten him in a heartbeat if he tried anything. “Ahh the big green one, I liked him. Very efficient. A bit overdramatic must be why he gets along with Steve.”

“Umm thanks, I think.”

“You’re welcome,” Bucky said with a smile. Some of his doubt had melted knowing that Bruce was there to help protect Pepper. He didn’t want to be responsible for hurting any more of Tony’s family. He decided at that moment that no matter what he would make sure Ms Potts stayed safe. She didn’t know she had a bodyguard from now on. Nodding to himself, he decided she could be his mission. He couldn’t do much, but he could make sure that Tony lost no one else on his watch.

It was a lovely afternoon, even if he decided that coffee was much better than tea. They spent it talking about everything and nothing all at once. Pepper and Bruce never tried to force Bucky to fill in any silences that he lapsed into. They didn’t make him talk more than he wanted and didn’t seem to mind as he struggled to find any words to express himself. He liked them.

He wasn’t sure when Steve was back, so he decided to lay down and rest before he came back. Being around, people drained him, and he needed to regain that energy. Laying on the couch he put something on Netflix, some documentary, he wasn’t paying attention as he laid there and rested his eyes.

Bucky knew that he wasn’t healthy yet. He hadn’t been out of HYDRA for that long, and he was trying to not think about them. From what people had said to him and what he was reading on the internet, this was not a suitable coping mechanism. He wouldn’t be able to hide from it forever, his messed up head, but he wanted to be like others for a while. Sighing, he curled up tighter and pulled a blanket onto himself. Knowing he didn’t deserve soft things like this, he felt tears burning his eyes. There were too many what-ifs in his life. Pepper had told him that he had a home there for as long as he wanted. In fact, she made sure JARVIS recorded it and offered him a place of his own if he wanted it. He had turned it down.

As annoying as Steve could be with his hovering, Bucky wasn’t sure how well he would function on his own right now. If Steve wasn’t there, well who would push him to get out of bed, to eat, to exercise? No one and he could just lay there, and then he would be forced to dwell on what he had LET them do to him. He had given in to them. Did Steve see that when he looked at him? Was he just letting Bucky stay because he felt sorry for him? Sniffling, he finally fell into an exhausted sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the encouragement, especially from those in the Fan Fiction Fun group on Facebook.
> 
> Steve will be back next chapter.
> 
> Happy Birthday, Shirl - mine is on Friday :)


	8. Parachutes Were Invented For A Reason

Bucky went from asleep to awake in the space of seconds. His hand was already around the grip of the gun, and it was trained on the target. It took a moment for him to remember exactly where he was and who’s apartment, he was in. He flicked the safety back on the gun and looked at Steve with wide eyes. If he hadn’t been starting to remember that he was more than the Winter Soldier, then Steve would be dead, by his hand.

A small cry came from him as he fled from the couch he had been sleeping on and took off towards his own room.

“Bucky!”

He couldn’t stay there. This was his greatest fear that Steve would see that he was dangerous and not worth it. The more time he spent pretending to be okay, the more he realised he never would be. Who pulled a gun on the only person that believed in them? Him, that’s who.

“Steve, let him go.”

Bucky paused as he heard the other voice but didn’t turn back around. It was good that Steve had someone with him, someone that didn’t get spooked by doors opening. What if that person was dangerous, though? It could be HYDRA hiding in plain sight. “JARVIS, who is with Steve?”

“Sam Wilson is currently sitting with Steve in the living room. They would like you to join them when you are ready.”

That was never going to happen. Bucky was pretty sure he was never going to be ready to sit side by side with Steve and his best friend. It sucked because Bucky knew that Steve deserved the best and that had never been him. He had always been selfish when it came to Steve, wanting to horde him away on his own. Sure, from what he remembered, he had set him up on dates, but he had always been glad when they had failed. What kind of best friend was that?

He decided what he needed was a shower. It would help clear his mind, and that was what he needed right now. When he had managed to get away from HYDRA, he had found the joy of hot water. People took things like that for granted but not him. He had never enjoyed anything under HDYRA, especially not wash time. Then again, who enjoyed the sting of cold water when someone hosed you down? Bucky knew he had been treated worse than a lot of people treated their pets. 

Deciding to not dwell on it, he took his time showering. He knew he couldn’t stay in there all day so sighing he dried off and got dressed. There was no point staying here all day, Steve would eventually get impatient. It was most likely Wilson that was keeping him away as it was.

Walking into the shared living space he went towards the kitchen, he was hungry, he hoped that Steve hadn’t eaten the leftover pizza that was in the refrigerator. Pulling it open, he smiled when he saw nothing had been touched. They must have eaten before they got here.

“I hope you don’t mind that I told Sam he could stay?” He had heard Steve approaching but had decided to pretend that he wasn’t paying attention. It was hard to sneak up on a master assassin after all. There were some things you couldn’t train out of him, and this was one of them.

“It’s your apartment, Rogers, you can invite who you want. Besides, I think Sam has more of a right to be here than me.”

“Ah, no, it’s OUR apartment so you can say if you don’t like something.” Bucky decided to not look at Steve. He would look into those earnest blue eyes and give in like he always had. Sometimes he wished he could pry them out and make them less, well less, Steve. How did you explain to someone that he no idea what he liked and didn’t love?

“Sure,” Bucky said as he pushed the button on the microwave, “I’ll take the couch.” It looked comfortable enough.

“I am not kicking you out of your room, Barnes,” Wilson said as he came into the kitchen. Leaning against the door jam, he frowned, “pizza for breakfast?”

“Don’t judge me,” Bucky said as he pulled the treat towards his stomach.

“Clint has been training him.”

“Oh, that explains everything,” Sam sighed, “I’m going to have to teach you about real food.”

Was it wrong that he had decided to not offer to share his food? There were a few things that he was hoarding, and food was it. In fact, JARVIS had ordered him separate non-perishable food that he could put in a safe place. If he had ever had to leave, he would have a stash of money, food and weapons. He should be thanking the Avengers for that.

“What have you been up to?” Steve asked as he sat opposite Bucky at the table.

“Umm, stuff.”

“Good stuff?” He was not going to leave it alone, and Bucky sighed. He had missed Steve he really had, but he had to make it sound like he didn’t need to be there. The last thing he wanted was to get in the way of him living his life.

“Sure, went and saw Cho, got my burns and shoulder checked. She’s giving me the all-clear, so if you want, I can get out of your hair.”

“Never. I mean I’m not holding you a prisoner here, but I want you to stay around Buck.”

This was the confusing thing, why did he want him to stay? They were both different people now and had walked very different paths to get to the same place. How much did they have in common other than a past that he couldn’t even remember?

“I also,” Bucky continued on like his thoughts were clear, and Steve hadn’t spoken, “had tea with Ms Potts and Dr Banner.”

Sam raised a brow, “you had tea?”

“And crumpets. I felt like I was back at war, though I have no idea why, but yes, tea and crumpets. Surprising everyone is alive.”

“It was Peggy’s thing, to have tea and crumpets,” Bucky watched him get misty-eyed and tried to remember who Peggy was. Should he know her? All he knew was that the name made him uncomfortable for some reason. That would have to be something he looked into when he was alone.

“Out of curiosity, how many guns am I going to be laying on when I sleep tonight?” Sam asked, wanting to lift the mood and keep Steve from pushing Bucky to remember.

Bucky scoffed as he looked at Sam, “not enough but JARVIS and Steve put a limit on how many I could bring into this space. I will make sure they are removed before you sleep, I would hate for you to shoot yourself while you are sleeping.”

“What? I know how to handle a gun, Barnes, I am the Falcon after all.”

“Sure, you keep telling yourself that.” Pausing, he sighed, “I know I said it before when I was drugged up to my eyeballs, but I am sorry for the hellicarrier.”

“But not for the car incident?”

“No.” What car incident? Oh God, what had he done now?

“You ripped the steering wheel out of his car while we were driving,” Steve helpfully supplied. He was either a mind reader or Bucky’s expression was showing too much. He had a feeling it was his expression, but Steve had always been able to read him better than anyone else.

“I...what?” Oh, this was troubling, that meant he had tried to kill Steve multiple times, and he couldn’t remember it. “Maybe I just thought Wilson was a shit driver.” He tried to recover what little poise he had.

“Fuck you, Barnes, I’m a fantastic driver.”

This was a troubling situation, why didn’t he remember? He rubbed his eyes, and then looked over at Steve, “they wiped me mid op, they only ever did that if I had been out of the chamber too long. I probably remembered something I shouldn’t.”

“I called you Bucky for the first time, I… I’m sorry; I think it was because of me.”

Bucky tilted his head and then moved his foot, kicking Steve under the table, “stop saying sorry for things you didn’t do. You didn’t wipe me that was Pearce’s choice.” How he hated Alexander Pearce, the smug asshole.

“I hate this Bucky. I hate that they did this to you and I still think it was my fault. I should have saved you.”

“You can’t save the world Stevie; you can just do the best you can do and hope it’s good enough. I’m not sure how many times I have to say I don’t blame you before you get it. Maybe I need to tattoo it on your thick head. There is only one thing I blame you for.”

Steve’s face went white as he heard Bucky’s words. “What do you blame me for?”

Bucky could see Sam come closer to Steve, like the thought Bucky would hurt him with just his words, he wanted to roll his eyes, but instead he gave Steve a somber look, “apparently the serum didn’t make you smart at all did it? In fact, I think it made you worse. You jumped out a fucking plane without a parachute? A plane! No Parachute. So yes, I blame YOU for my heart palpitation and the new worry lines I have.”

Sam’s laughter rang out clear and loud, “see Bucky knows the score. You don’t have wings, dude.”

Steve grumbled, “it was over water, God, I can’t believe Bruce sold me out.”

Bucky looked at him and shoved him from across the table with his foot, “that doesn’t make it better. Falling from a distance into the water can still kill you or at least break some bones. Did you think about that? How good would you be on a mission with broken bones ha Stevie? Your fucking death wish ends NOW.”

“Oh come on Buck, it wasn’t that bad. I have to do what I can to save as many people as I can.”

“No. You don’t get to hurt yourself for others, I know you think you are invincible, but you aren’t Steve. I broke 70 years of programming for you, the least you can do is respect that and not try and die on me.”

“Bucky,” tears were filling those blue eyes, “I won’t leave you, not on purpose. I promise to be more careful.”

“That’s all I want Steve, just be careful until I can watch your back. If you want me to watch your back, I probably am never going to be allowed to do that.” He slumped in his chair as he thought about it. He had never wanted to fight, that was the feeling he got anyway. The thing was though, he would fight for Steve. He needed to protect him, and he had a feeling that’s what HYDRA used against him at the beginning.

“I will be,” Steve said as he reached across the table to touch Bucky’s hand. It took everything to not jerk his hand back, but he didn’t, he allowed the touch.

“Thank you.”

Wilson rolled his eyes, “so you listen to him but not the rest of your team, huh? I see how it is Steve,” his tone was teasing, “you just need to be mother henned by the worlds deadliest assassin.”

Bucky took an olive that had fallen off his pizza and flicked it at Sam’s head, “I am not a mother hen.”

“You kinda are Buck, he used to cluck around the Howlies like we couldn’t look after ourselves,” Steve’s voice was full of affection. “Always made sure we had enough to eat, were warm enough, that kind of thing.”

“Because you would all die without me!” Bucky’s hands went up in the air as he pushed back from the table, “I am feeling very attacked right now. I am going to go collect my weapons from the couch, so Sam doesn’t kill himself.” It was a win though that he walked away from the table with a smile on his face. Maybe he could be human who knows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lateness -was my birthday on Friday so got sidetracked :)
> 
> Sam and Bucky are going to have a conversation next chapter because Sam rocks.


	9. All I hear is Blah, Blah, Blah

“Mr Wilson is requesting access to your room,” JARVIS informed Bucky as he sat on the bed. He was exhausted. As fun as it was to be around Steve, it was still made him tired to be ‘normal’. 

“Let him in.”

“Love what you’ve done with the place,” Sam grinned as he walked in the room.

Bucky huffed a little and lifted his head to glare at him. So he hadn’t made any changes to the room. It wasn’t like it was really his space. He didn’t want to make something feel like home only to have it ripped away from him. Steve would eventually realise that he didn’t need Bucky anymore.

“Here take this,” Sam said as he put a container on the bed then flopped down on the chair. Bucky knew that Sam was grinning at him as he looked at the plastic container suspiciously.

“Are you going to try and kill me? I mean it’s what I deserve, but Steve might not be happy that his best friend tried to kill his ex-childhood friend.”

Sam looked at him with a frown, “there is so much we need to talk about in that statement alone.” He blew out a sigh, “they are cookies, chocolate fudge cookies made by Mama Wilson. You will eat them, you will like them, and you will not say a bad thing about them, ever.”

“Why is your mother making me cookies?”

“Because Steve will eat them all if she made them for him? While we were looking for you, Steve came to Harlem for dinner. He was all sad, and shit and my Mama found out what was wrong. She’s a sucker for lost puppies, and you are the most lost I’ve come across. Cookies are the way to solve any problems, so she made them,” Sam snorted, “I told her that you were the world’s deadliest assassin who had tried to kill her son. She looked at me, then at Steve, then told ME, her flesh and blood, that I must have had a good reason because she had wanted to kill me numerous times. Yeah, even my own mother betrayed me.”

Bucky’s lips twitched as he played with the container, “well thank your mother for me and apologise to her even if you are comparing me to a puppy. I think I would have been a cat more than a dog. I would have hated to take the pleasure of your death away from her.”

“Thanks, Barnes, really,” Sam fell quiet then sighed, “you really think you deserve to die?”

“Of course, I do. I think it should be Tony that puts me down, I mean he has the most reason to.” He played with the hem of the blanket, not looking at Sam as he said it. “I know you are going to say it wasn’t me, but it was you know? It was my hands and my body that did this. It wasn’t something I chose, but it was still me.”

Sam was quiet as if taking in the words that Bucky had said, “so you admit that you weren’t in control when it happened? Do you blame me for the people I killed during the war? What about the people that Steve has killed? Innocents die when the Avengers are on missions. We don’t mean for it to happen, but it does.”

“You try and protect people,” Bucky protested. “I didn’t try I just killed. I killed people in front of their loved ones and didn’t even blink.”

“Do you feel bad about it now? If you had a choice, would you have done it?”

“Of course not! I wouldn’t have killed parents or kids, I wouldn’t have.”

“Then that is your answer. As for being Steve’s best friend, sure I am his newest best friend, but I’m not replacing you,” Sam said this as gently as possible, “I love Steve, he’s a great guy, but I don’t have the history you have with him. I think what you and he have, that goes beyond friendship labels.”

“I’m not… I’m not him. That friend that he thinks I am. Bucky died when he fell off the train, he’s gone, and I doubt he’s coming back.”

“He didn’t die, Bucky, he just went into hiding. You aren’t broken, you are just a little damaged. Hell, we all are,” Sam shrugged his shoulders, “there is no one on this team that hasn’t gone through something. We all have our demons and struggles, but we rely on each other because we are the only ones that understand.”

Bucky sneered, “why would anyone on this team want to help me? The only way they know me is because I’ve either killed their family or tried to kill them. I know you guys respect Steve, but that doesn’t mean shit. I’m not Steve.”

Sam was gentle as he looked at him, not trying to touch him at all, “because we think you are worth it. We don’t need another Steve Rogers on our team, one is enough to deal with. I know I’m looking forward to getting to know Bucky Barnes, maybe even being friends with him one day. If you don’t try and kill Steve again, I think we can work on that last part. Look you tried to kill me, and I’m here giving you cookies. I forgive you, the others will as well.”

“I wouldn’t hurt any of you, not as long as I remember,” his greatest fear was that he would forget. If that happened, he hoped that someone was around to put him down because he was sure he wouldn’t be able to live with himself after. “I… thank you, Sam, for the cookies.”

“But not the pep talk?”

“Truthfully I heard a lot of blah, blah, blah in there,” Bucky said this with a straight face.

“Fuck you, Barnes, my speeches are just as good as Captain America’s.”

“Would you like a cookie? I’ll write your mother a thank you note for giving them to me, so you shut up.”

“Asshole, I can’t believe I said I wanted to get to know you.”

Bucky laughed and offered him the container, “Steve assures me that I’m loveable.”

“Steve, bless him, has no common sense. You can’t believe anything he tells you,” Sam took a cookie, “if you ever need to talk to someone, that won’t judge you, that you don’t have to be normal for, I’m here.”

“I…I can’t let him see that I’m not okay, Sam. I’m not okay.”

“No one expects you to be Barnes. You have a lot of shit to get through and no one, but yourself, expects you to be fixed any time soon. Humans are complex beasts, and you’ve been through a lot. Just get through one hour at a time.” He bit into the cookie and sighed happily, “God my Mama can cook.”

Bucky took a cookie, playing with it he looked at him, “do you think Steve will leave me? If I don’t remember everything if I don’t get it back.”

“Man, that boy is never going to leave you. We chased you across the country, and he was prepared to burn the world to the ground to find you. There is no way he’s going to walk away from you because it’s gotten a little tough. It’s not going to be easy, but you need to remember he’s not the same guy he was either. You’ve both changed, but you are coming from a place of caring. That place means the world, you just have to remember it’s okay to be selfish, you both need to remember that.”

Biting in the cookie, Bucky’s eyes widened, “I want to meet your mother.”

Sam laughed, “if we become friends, then sure, but not before that.”

“I won’t hurt her,” Bucky looked like he wanted to hurt Sam for even thinking that he would.

“Oh, I know that believe me, but she would adopt you then I would have to call you brother and I ain’t got time for that shit.”

The door opened as Steve stuck his head in, “I smelt cookies?”

Sam looked over at Steve and sighed, “I told you Bucky, he’s like a human garbage disposal when it comes to this shit.”

“Your Mama made these?” Steve made grabby hands at the cookies, “please may I have some?”

Bucky was watching with some amusement as he grabbed the container and held it to this chest, “Mrs Falcon made them for me.”

Sam burst out laughing at the name while Steve gave him a look of betrayal, “but I’m your closest, bestest friend, and they are cookies.”

Snorting, he clutched them even tighter, “who are you again?”

“Bucky!”

“Who the hell is Bucky?”

“Oh, you did not,” Steve frowned at him, then looked at Sam, “you did this. I don’t know what the two of you were talking about, but you stole the nice guy that would share cookies.”

“Steven Grant Rogers, I did not turn your Bucky into an asshole, I think you did that when you were still scrawny.”

“I think he has a point, Steve,” Bucky said as he handed him a cookie, “you can have one, maybe two, but they were made for me.” This was said with some awe. Who would make the Winter Solider cookies? No one that’s who. 

Steve’s face softened as he looked at Bucky, “well you deserve all the cookies in the world. I will make you some.”

“I’ll let Stark know to put the fire department on standby,” Sam drawled, “we know what happened last time you tried to bake anything.”

“That was ONE time.” A frown touched Steve’s face, “I’m the one that can remember everything, you shouldn’t even remember that.”

“Steve, even I know you can’t cook, and I have the most fucked up memory of all.”

“Shut up and give me another cookie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the small chapter, I am fighting with a cold right now and it's kicking my arse :(
> 
> Thanks again for the comments and kudos, you are the best.


	10. Dream A Little Dream

“BUCKY!” No, No, why was Steve here? He strained against the restraints that kept him in the chair.

“No, Steve, you have to leave.”

“Bucky, shh it’s okay,”

"Steve! Go, before they get you too,” Bucky fought harder against the restraints, breathing heavily as he looked around the room wildly.

“C’ mon Bucky, wake up sweetheart,” Steve’s voice crooned at him.

Wait, Steve couldn’t be here he was dead. “You’re dead,” tears leaked from his eyes, he slumped forward against the restraints. He wasn’t coming.

“Shh Bucky, open your eyes sweets, you’ll see, I’m right here.”

Bucky finally opened his eyes and blinked as the chair disappeared. His gaze moved to the blonde-haired, blue-eyed man that was the centre of his world. “Steve?” He could feel the tears on his cheeks, “they told me you were dead. They took everything from me.” He sat up and threw himself into Steve’s arms.

Steve wrapped his arms around him, his tears creeping down his cheeks as he held Bucky close to him, “They can’t take anything more Bucky, I’m here forever, I’ll never leave you again,” he assured him.

Bucky knew that he should pull back, that he was meant to be letting Steve get on with his life away from him. He couldn’t bring himself to do it. The nightmares had started to come as his memories came back. Sometimes it was what they had done to him; sometimes it was what he had done to other people.

“It hurt so much Steve, so much,” Bucky just clung harder to the other man in a long-overdue breakdown. He had been strong for so long; couldn’t he be weak for just a little bit? Couldn’t he take comfort for himself just this once?

“I know baby,” Steve rocked him, his fingers carding through the long dark hair, “they can’t anymore though, they will have to go through me. I’ll fight the world for you Bucky.”

“I don’t want you to fight the world, Steve, I’m not worth it.”

“You are though Buck, to me you are, I’m going to keep telling you that until you believe it.

“I’m not who I was. I’m not your Bucky.” He was starting to come back to himself, and he pulled back from Steve. He missed it already, the warm solid presence of the other man.

“You will always be my Bucky. I don’t care if you never remember everything; I’m not worried about what you did when you were with HYDRA. You aren’t that person, and no you are right, you aren’t the Bucky Barnes that went off the side of the train, because I know I’m not the Steve Rogers that didn’t save you. Everyone changes Bucky and think, we get to rediscover each other. I know I’m not going to give up on you – ever. Now get up, and I’ll make us some hot chocolate.”

Bucky knew he wasn’t going to get back to sleep but when had Steve gotten so bossy with him, and when he had started calling him sweetheart? Not that he didn’t like it but was he missing something that he couldn’t remember? He didn’t want to ask him in case it was all in his head so he would wait and observe. That would be better.

Getting to his feet, he couldn’t help but wince as he rolled his shoulder.

“I have been meaning to ask you,” Steve said as he walked out of the room, waiting for Bucky to follow him, “you roll your shoulder a lot, does it hurt you?”

“Yes,” Bucky said shortly. He didn’t want to discuss it, not with Steve. He already had the weight of the world on his broad shoulders; he didn’t need Bucky’s problems on top of that. 

Steve frowned as he cluttered around in the kitchen, “we should ask Stark to look at it, Banner as well. They might find a way to fix it for you.”

Flopping into the chair in the kitchen he watched Steve and sighed, “I don’t need for it to be fixed Steve, it is what it is.”

“It hurts you though Bucky.”

“So? Have you ever thought that maybe I deserve that pain for the damage I’ve done? Have you ever thought that I wouldn’t want to ask Stark to ease my pain when I caused so much damage in his life? Jesus Steve, how insensitive do you think I am?”

“Bucky, hey, no.” Steve stopped making the hot chocolate and found his way around the table to hug Bucky. “They stripped you of everything, it’s not your fault, and you don’t deserve to be in pain for the rest of your life because of them. You can ASK Tony, he might say no, but if he knows you’re in pain, he won’t. Besides he’s been asking me since you came back if he could look at your arm.”

“You have no idea what they stripped me of or what they did to me.” He looked down, not returning the hug but letting it happen.

“I would like to know,” Steve said earnestly.

“You have a thing for horror stories, Stevie? You should have told me that earlier. I thought you liked not wanting puke up your dinner.”

“No, Buck, no. I want to hear it if you want to share it with me because I care. I want to be here for you in whatever capacity you need me to be. Sam says that sometimes talking things out helps. I dunno, I haven’t tried it. I want you to know that I’ll listen and not judge you. I may get angry; I may want to punch something, but never YOU. I won’t be angry at you.”

Bucky sighed and then looked over his shoulder at him, “go make my hot chocolate. I’ll think about asking him. I don’t want to talk right now. I can’t right now.” The nightmare was too fresh in his mind, and if he talked now, he might run as the emotions overwhelmed him, and he had promised that he would stay. He had never purposely broken a promise to Steve in his life, and he wasn’t going to start now.

“Right, hot chocolate – the solver of all problems,” Steve smiled and dropped a kiss on Bucky’s forehead as he moved back to the kitchen.

“Can I ask you something, Steve?”

“Anything Buck, you know that.”

“Why are you calling me sweetheart, hugging me and kissing my head? I mean…that seems more than friends?”

Steve faltered and blushed, “I…” he was stammering, and he looked away from Bucky, “I can stop? I just, I care about you so much Bucky, and I want you to know how special you are to me.”

“Were we ever more than friends?”

“No, no, we weren’t. We were more than friends, more than brothers in arms, but nothing we had ever defined. We weren’t lovers or anything like that,” he quickly added, “your Ma always said we were soul mates. You always laughed at her and just told her that I was Steve. We were always very affectionate.”

Bucky nodded, he could understand that, but he had a feeling he always wanted to be more with Steve. More than what they were but then there was Carter. Maybe Steve was just affectionate, and in reality, right now Bucky needed that affection. It was like watering a dying plant, and he could feel himself blooming with it. Maybe it would change as he became more comfortable in his skin. Maybe Steve would see he wasn’t worth it. “Well, I like it.”

“Good, I’m glad,” Steve beamed at him, “now go find a movie for us to watch while I finish up here. I don’t want to burn it.”

“God forbid you burn down the kitchen,” Bucky rose from the chair. He was exhausted mentally and physically, but he knew that going back to sleep wasn’t an option right now. “I’m sorry I kept you awake.”

“You can wake me up anytime Bucky. You know that, right?” Steve smiled at him as he brought the cups of hot chocolate into the room, setting them onto the coffee table he smiled at Bucky who had left enough space on the couch for him. Without thinking, Bucky curled up close to him, laying his head on Steve’s shoulder.

“I know. I still feel bad, though. I’ve turned your life upside down. Maybe I should have stayed away. It would have been safer for you.”

“Never say that Bucky. I don’t want you to ever stay away. I’m not safer without you; I tend to go off and crash planes when you leave me,” Steve meant it as a joke but the way Bucky huffed, he didn’t think it was taken that way. “I want you around Barnes. You have always seen me, you have always cared for the scrawny Steve and not Captain America... I need that.”

“Captain America is an idiot name. It’s stupid ass costume. Like ooh, let’s put a target on my back and play with a giant fucking Frisbee.”

Steve’s lips twitched, “Hey Buck, tell me how you really feel about Captain America.”

Bucky looked up at him then punched the shoulder he wasn’t resting on, “shut up!”

Laughing, Steve kissed his temple and sighed, “watch the movie Bucky.”

Halfway through the movie, Bucky could feel his eyes becoming heavy. It didn’t help that he hadn’t been sleeping. Instead, he had been waiting for Steve to nod off, then wandering the halls of the tower. JARVIS had assured him that he was safe and had kept him company while he did this. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust the AI; he did; it was more that he needed to patrol. It was like having ants under his skin that he couldn’t get to, and sometimes the walking settled them. He knew it wasn’t a healthy coping mechanism and that he would need to talk about it. Right now, though? Laying here with Steve’s arms around him, he felt safe. He felt calm for the first time since he had defected, no escape, from HYDRA. Maybe life he could rest for a little while.


	11. Even Heroes Have the Right to Bleed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Standard Winter Solider warnings for Angst and stuff in this chapter.

Bucky sat back on the seat, watching Steve and Sam over by the window. He had no idea what they were talking about and in reality, it wasn’t any of his business. Turning his head slightly, he watched as Pepper walked towards him, “coffee James?”

“Thank you, ma’am,” James smiled up at her as he reached for the coffee. He would stand up and wait for her to sit, but he would get smacked over the head, from Pepper, if he did that.

“I’ve told you to call me Pepper,” she gently scolded him as she took the seat near him.

“Sorry Pepper, I just find it hard to get used to.” So many things were better and yet worse at the same time.

“Wait, how come Olaf gets a coffee and your own beloved doesn’t?” Tony huffed as he flopped down next to Pepper, “I mean you aren’t leaving me for him, are you?”

Bucky snorted, as Pepper answered, “maybe because he’s polite and a sweetheart? I should leave you for him, but I won’t because then you’ll never leave the lab and I can’t have that on my conscious.”

He stayed quiet during the exchange. He knew that they were teasing each other in the way that only those that intimate knowledge of each other could. At one stage Bucky had had that with Steve; he couldn’t help but wonder if he would ever get it back.

Only half-listening, he noticed as Steve and Sam came closer, but he didn’t engage them in conversation. It wasn’t that he was unsociable; it was just that he was uncomfortable talking a lot. He didn’t feel like he had much to offer this conversation. They all knew each other, and even though it had been months, he was still new to them. He was surprised Stark even let him into the communal spaces. Just because he had agreed to let Bucky live here didn’t mean he wanted to see the face of the man who murdered his parents.

“I was just telling Steve,” Sam’s voice infiltrated his thoughts, “that he should come down to DC and see Agent Carter again. It will be good to have him around. You should come as well Bucky, get you out and about a bit.”

“Why would you want me in your house?”

“Because we are friends,” Sam gave him that gapped toothed smile, “that means you get to come and visit me.”

He wanted to protest that he didn’t do friends. The Winter Soldier was an Asset, a weapon, not someone that you made friends with. What was wrong with these people? Maybe they had been hit too many times in trying to save the world.

“Pegs would love to see you,” Steve said with a big grin, “it’s going to be such a shock for her. If we get her on a good day, her memory is fading.”

It was Tony that answered him, his voice low as he looked at Bucky, “why does Peggy Carter’s name make you flinch? You couldn’t be jealous of the greatest love story that never was?”

Steve frowned, “Tony, that’s enough.”

Bucky looked down at his lap as he thought about it. Why did he flinch every time her name came up? Oh. He knew why now he would have to deflect, “yeah, that’s the reason, I was jealous that she was going to take Steve away from me.” That should get them to back off.

“No one, not even Peggy, could ever take me away from you Bucky,” those earnest blue eyes were going to be the death of him, “you are my Bucky, the rest are just…well, others.”

“That was the lamest thing I’ve ever heard,” Bucky drawled as he ducked his head to hide his pleased smile.

Tony rolled his eyes, “I don’t know if I can handle this amount of flirting between Olaf and Elsa. I think my teeth are getting cavities just watching them.”

Pepper smacked his arm as she smiled at James, “I think it’s sweet. I also think Steve is right, you should go and see Peggy together.”

“I’ll think about it,” from what he could remember Steve had loved Peggy. Would he hate Bucky if he knew that he had been ordered to kill her? Most likely, he would. Margaret Carter had been his last failure before he met Steve.

“Buck? You don’t have to go, I just thought it would be nice,” Steve said softly.

“I tried to kill her.” He blurted out the truth, and there you go, all of them recoiled. “She was my first failure, my only failure until the hellicarriers. I… I was sent to kill her and make it look like the Starks did it.” He looked down at his hands in his lap; he couldn’t look at any of them. “I got to her office, and she was playing a video, of you, I got distracted and I... I remembered and couldn’t do it. I was punished.”

“Oh Bucky,” Steve was in front of him, reaching for his hands as Sam hovered and tried to not touch him.

Bucky recoiled back and decided to not look at any of them, maybe they would kick him out now?

“What was the punishment? Was it that bad that you didn’t mind killing my family to get away from it?”

“Tony! That’s enough,” it was Pepper that tried to stop him, but Bucky looked up, his eyes locking on Tony.

“They whipped me until I had no skin on my back. When they finished, they broke my legs and arm and threw me down a well. There were rats.” He had no feelings about this. The pain had been there, and he could remember the fear of being in a dark place and hearing them, but he knew that he had deserved it. He had failed his mission.

Tony looked like he was about to be sick, but Bucky kept talking, “When I could finally move and get out, they put me in ice. Pulled me out and told me to get the super-soldier serum that was travelling on a certain highway. I didn’t know it was Howard Stark. I didn’t know that I knew him. Even when I..” he flinched away from saying it, “killed him, I didn’t know him. I am sorry I caused you pain Tony Stark and if you want to punish me. I will accept it.”

“You are NOT being punished,” Steve all but growled even as tears fell down his cheeks. “You have been punished enough, you will be cared for, and I will fight anyone who says otherwise.” His gaze moved to Tony.

Pepper had her face buried in Tony’s shoulder as silent sobs shook her shoulders. “I am sorry for distressing you,” Bucky told her softly, “I .. I’ll go now.”

“Can I touch you, James?” Pepper asked him as she lent away from Tony.

“Yes,” he prepared for the hurt that was going to come. He would be punished for upsetting her and Tony. He couldn’t even look at Steve and Sam. He respected them, and he would hate to see them look at him like he was less in their minds than what he was. Bucky flinched when he felt a hand on him, but then he was being drawn into a hug. “Oh,” it was said softly. The only person who had touched him kindly in over 50 years was Steve. Bucky had thought maybe Steve only did that because of who he had been to him. It seemed that it wasn’t the case as Pepper hugged him as tightly as he could. She was strong for the size of her.

“No one is upset with you Bucky,” Sam said, and wait, his gaze went up to the other man, he could see the tears on his face. Why was he crying? “We are upset with what happened to you, but not at you. You have done nothing wrong.”

“I.. I did though. I hurt people.” He said it down low, he couldn’t understand why they were not turning him over to the government for trial. He would be locked away where no one would be able to get to him. That would be the safest thing for everyone he was sure. The safest thing for Steve.

“You didn’t hurt them,” Tony finally said with a sigh, “if I blame you for everything, then I need to blame the gun and not the shooter.” He shook his head, “I.. come to the lab when you can, I’ll find out how to stop your arm hurting. Cap told me about it.” Bucky guessed that this was as good of an uneasy peace he was going to get.

Sniffing still Pepper just held onto him, not ready to let him go. “You did good James. So good. I’m so glad Steven got you back.”

He didn’t understand why they were so nice to him. Surely, they thought he was wrong for what he had done? He had killed this man’s parents, and now he wanted to help him and not hurt him. Maybe it was a ruse. Sometimes HYDRA was kind to him only to prove that it was a test that he failed. Punishment would come if he disagreed, he knew that so he nodded at Stark.

“Bucky,” Steve’s voice was shattered as he looked at him. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I think you should, though. Sam, we will save the trip to DC for now, but we will come when Bucky is ready.”

“You should go,” Bucky said, his voice thick with emotion. He didn’t want Steve to go anywhere without him, but he also didn’t want to hold Steve back. If Steve wanted to go to DC, he should go, if he wanted to run missions he should. Dating would be hard on Bucky, but he would try to not interrogate the person he was going out with. He shuddered a little as Pepper finally backed off.

“No, I don’t want to let you out of my sight right now,” Steve assured him.

“I told you that I won’t go anywhere, I promised.”

“I know, but I need you near me right now.”

“Ok. We’ll talk about it later.”

**

Later didn’t happen. Bucky curled up on the sofa and stared at nothing. It wasn’t until he was alone that it hit him. He remembered everything and that scared him. Yes, he wanted to remember his past with Steve, but the more he realised what was taken from him, the more it hurt. He was not that person. Maybe though, Steve really did care about the person he was now. Feeling vulnerable like this was new to him. He hadn’t meant to let so much information out, especially not in front of Pepper. He liked her. She didn’t need to know how screwed up he was.

“Hey! I have donuts. I tried to bake you cookies, but I set my hair on fire.” Clint told him as he put the box on the coffee table, a half-smile on his face.

“You are a fucking disaster, Barton.”

“Yes, but he’s our disaster Barnes,” Natasha said, “now shove over, it’s cuddle pile time.”

“You heard?” Bucky said, and his shoulders slumped, “does everyone know what a mess I am?”

“We are all messes, James,” Nat said as she reached out to stroke his hair, “you are our mess now though so get used to it. People care about you, and that means you have to put up with this.” She said as she put her arms around him.

Bucky couldn’t help but smile as she wrapped her arms around him from one side and Clint hugged him from the other.

Steve walked in not that long later to find Bucky asleep with his head on Clint’s shoulder, and Nat cuddled up on his other side. “Thank you,” he told them softly.

“Come join us, Cap,” Clint waved him over, “you can take his weight better than me. We just want him to know that he’s got us, he’s not alone anymore, and neither are you.”


	12. A Kiss is Just a Kiss

“Nat, Nat, NAT!” Bucky was getting desperate as he called out to her from the comfort of his own bedroom.

“What the hell do you want, Barnes?” Her grumpy voice came from the ceiling. JARVIS was great, he really was. He had patched him through as soon as he realised that Bucky was about to start having a panic attack.

“I think one of Steve’s friends is trying to murder me.”

An exasperated sigh came over the speaker, “I told you to not go near Tony.”

“It wasn’t him! It was some woman named Maria Hill, do you know her? Should I be worried?”

“Fuck, yes, you should be. Maria is fantastic, but she won’t blink as she takes you out. What did you do to her?”

“Nothing! I went down to the café to get a coffee because they have the best coffee and the girls are really nice and save me cookies. Anyway, Pepper was there, and she called me over to introduce me to Maria. We talked for a bit about nothing, she said I seemed tense and that I should take a warm bath. One of Starks employees just dropped off a package, it’s BATH BOMBS. She wants me to throw them in the water, and they will explode. Bombs are for killing….why are you laughing?”

“I’m sorry, it’s just, bath bomb,” her voice gentled, “I am coming down, don’t be naked when I get there.”

Bucky rolled his eyes like he was naked anyway. He stood up and headed to the main room, “JARVIS, let Nat in when she gets here.” This way, he didn’t have to bother opening the door, and he could futz around with the coffee machine. He got some cookies ready for when she breezed through the door like she owned the place.

“Where is your sidekick today?” Nat asked as she came into view.

“Steve? I don’t know, doing something for Pepper, I think.” He was pretty sure Steve had told him, but he hadn’t been paying attention. It wasn’t his fault, he hadn’t had coffee yet when he talked to him.

“Okay, so when was the last time you had a bath? I mean a proper bath, not just a wash.”

“Umm, during the war?”

“Right so... yeah. You are going to love this. Do you have a big bathtub in here somewhere?”

“In there,” he pointed to the shared bathroom. Both bedrooms had there own, but the big bathtub was in the shared space. He had no idea why.

Nat walked in and grinned, “you are in for a treat, Barnes.” She promised him as she turned the water on. “We want it warm enough so that if you have any aches and pains, they will help be eased.” She watched him for a moment, “you should get Tony to look at it. Your arm. Steve mentioned that you said it hurts.”

Of course, he did, punk. Sure he hadn’t told him it was a secret; still, he didn’t have to go blab to everyone. “You should not be here Natalia, if the bombs go off I would rather you be safe.”

“Yet you would be fine blowing yourself up to save me?”

“Yes, you are important to Rogers.” He said with a nod.

Nat laughed, “yes, I am important to him, but you are the most important thing in his life, so I think he would be more upset if you died.”

“You do realise I know how to draw a bath, right? I’m not that helpless,” Bucky told her, wanting to change the subject from Steve and his overprotective streak when it came to Bucky.

“Alright Barnes, I’ll let you get away with it even though we all know Steve would burn down the world for you. I think you’d do the same for him. You should talk to him about that.” She pointed out then stepped back, “so what you do is choose one of the bombs that smell nice then you throw it in the bathwater. Let it go fizzy,, then you have bubbles, and it smells nice.”

“Then why the hell is it called a bomb?”

“It explodes in the water,” Nat smiled, “they are great.”

Bucky nodded then eyed her, “well thank you for explaining to me and not laughing at me too much,” his nose scrunched up at how foolish he was. “I can draw my own bath, though.”

“No doubt about that Barnes,” Nat’s gaze seemed to soften before it went back to being stock, “the thing is though you don’t let anyone take care of you. You deserve good things, you deserve a team of people that will look out for you. I would like to be one of your people like Steve and Clint are.” She told him and patted his arm before she stood up and handed him some shampoo and conditioner. “Try these, they will make your hair so soft that Rogers will want to touch it all the time.” Throwing him a wink, she walked out.

“Nat,” he called before she left, she turned and looked at him, his arms were reaching for her in a voluntary plea for a hug, “you are one of my people. I’m not sure what I did to deserve it, but you are.”

“That’s the thing about family James, you don’t have to deserve us, you just have to accept us.” Her red hair nestled against his chest as she hugged him tightly to her. Bucky hadn’t had that many comforting hugs, and it was strange to have them now. Steve was happy to give him as much physical affection as he could stand, now Pepper and Nat had both hugged him. He found it strange that they hadn’t hurt him when they had done so. “Now go and sit in the bath until you become a prune. I’ll talk to you soon okay, remember it’s okay to ask for company if you need it.”

Bucky let her go and nodded, “I promise I will,” he knew he most likely wouldn’t though he would try and remember to do it. Unlike Captain Stubborn, he had always been willing to ask for help before HYDRA. He didn’t have the fierce pride that the smaller man had growing up. He knew that was because he had never been considered small and weak.

As she left, he turned his attention back to the bath. It was strange hoping in one, but he had to admit that the groan that came from him was warranted. This was fucking awesome. The part of him that didn’t think he deserved nice things wanted to recoil at this, but he was learning, slowly, that maybe he could have nice things.

He would need to make Maria some cookies, he was learning how to do that again, to thank her. This was a fabulous idea and bath bombs? They were the bomb quite literally. He loved them now that he knew they weren’t designed to blow him up. He would need to make this part of his routine; Sam had mentioned something about self-care, so this had to count. 

Once out of the bath, had he really spent an hour in there? He dried himself and walked out to find Steve sitting on the couch, “Oh, sorry, I would have come out sooner if I knew you were here.” He was still drying his hair as he looked at his best friend.

“It’s fine, what exactly were you doing in there?”

“Having a bath, something about self-care? Maria suggested it. Do you know Maria Hill? She said she was a friend of yours?”

“Are you saying you trusted someone without verifying them?” Steve raised a brow in shock at the thought, “but yes Maria is a friend. She helped me get you out actually.”

“I may have called Nat to double-check,” Bucky blushed as he said it.

“Ahh, that’s good. I’m glad you are starting to trust the others, it’s a good thing Bucky.”

“You are still my favourite. I trust you over all of them,” Bucky said quickly. He didn’t want Steve to think that he wasn’t the most essential thing in his world. “Unless,” he frowned and then tilted his head, “you need space from me?” Maybe that was why he was encouraging him to get out and meet new people. Maybe Steve wanted him to move on from his infatuation with him so that he had space to live his life? He had a life before Bucky came crashing back into it right? He had dates, a family, a new best friend and Bucky had just arrived like a wrecking ball, crashing back into his life with no thought.

“Come here,” Steve said, patting the cushion next to him. Sighing Bucky followed his directions and sat down, “I am going to tell you this every day until you believe me,” he said earnestly, reaching up to cup Bucky’s cheek, “you are the most important person in my life. I will never get tired of you, and I will NEVER want you to leave me or give me space.”

Bucky’s breath hitched at the serious look in those blue eyes. He let his instinct take over, and he was leaning forward and placing his lips against Steve’s. They were dry but plump, yet he was sure he could spend all day, every day, kissing him. Steve stiffened against him, and Bucky realised what he had done. All colour drained from his face as he shoved back from Steve. “Sorry, fuck, sorry.” All the good feelings from the kiss and the bath vanished as he scampered back to his room as quickly as he could. He ignored the calls from Steve as he did so, making sure JARVIS knew to not let anyone in he threw himself on the bed. Just because he had free agency didn’t mean he had the right to kiss anyone. Like he deserved that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have a small kiss until Bucky's doubts ruin it! 
> 
> Next chapter we have FEELINGS and stuff


	13. This Thing Called Love

Bucky had been hiding in his room for three days. He had ventured out when JARVIS informed him that Steve was in bed. The only reason the AI was even bothering with that was so that he ate and drank. Taking a deep breath, he pulled the sweater he was wearing further down. Sure, he knew it was one of Steve’s, but he took great comfort in it. It was soft, and it smelt like his friend. He was going to go out there and face the consequences of his actions. He may have been a lot of things through his life, but a Goddamn coward was not one of them. Even as a child, he knew that James Buchanan Barnes faced situations head-on.

Inching the door open he looked around as he strode to the kitchen. That was the plan, he would just pretend nothing had happened, and he hadn’t been hibernating for two days. He was the Winter Soldier, he could do anything he put his mind to. Moving into the kitchen, he started the coffee maker and leant back against the counter as he watched the machine go through its motions.

“Bucky?” Steve asked as he walked into their quarters, he sounded surprised.

“Oh, hi Steve,” he feigned nonchalance, failed, but tried.

“That’s all I get, hi Steve?”

“How are you?”

“Really Buck, REALLY?”

Bucky blinked innocently at him as he turned his back on the super-soldier. If he didn’t look at him, he wouldn’t break. He didn’t like having his back to the room, it made him extremely uncomfortable, but it was Steve. Steve wouldn’t kill him, he didn’t think. “Would you like coffee?”

“You want to know if I want a coffee? Why have you been avoiding me for three days Bucky? I’ve been worried, sick!”

“Yep, coffee? I’m making myself one. I haven’t been avoiding you, I just haven’t felt social.”

“BUCKY.” Steve reached out to grab his arm and then found himself thrown up against the counter. Bucky frowned as he held his metal hand around Steve’s throat before he released him.

“Don’t do that, Steve. Don’t touch me from behind without warning.”

“I know, I’m sorry, I just want you to talk to me. I need to know what’s going on inside that head of yours.”

“No one wants to know what goes on in there. Hell, I don’t even know what goes on in there.” He was trying to make a joke of it, but he backed off from Steve and went back to the coffee. Pouring it, he pushed one over to Steve, after putting sugar and creamer in it. “Here, have this.”

“God, I hate it when you put yourself down like that,” Steve frowned even as he took the coffee that was offered to him. “I know you aren’t the same, neither am I, but you don’t have to put yourself down. I would fight anyone that said that to, or about, you. How am I going to fight you on it?”

“A fight you can’t get involved in, wow, this must be your worst nightmare.”

Steve sighed and pulled Bucky onto the sofa, folding himself as much as he could on one side he looked up at Bucky, “can we talk, please? I’ve missed you.”

Bucky raised a brow, “you know I’ve been right here? How can you miss me when I’m right here?”

“You haven’t talked to me in days Bucky! You didn’t even let me talk.”

Bucky looked down at his hands, not meeting Steve’s eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“For what exactly?”

“For kissing you without asking. For being sick like that. For not talking to you.” He sighed softly, “for not being your Bucky, the one who didn’t do things like force you into a kiss, you obviously didn’t want.”

Steve sighed and looked at Bucky, “look at me, Buck. I need you to look at me when I say this, so I know you are paying attention.”

Bucky reluctantly looked at him, his brows furrowed at the seriously quality of Steve’s voice. Was this when he told him to leave for good?

“Was I surprised that you kissed me? Yes, I was, and so I froze in shock. Not because I hated it but because I know we are close, always have been. I just didn’t think you felt like that about me. Yes, you should have asked because consent is important, but Buck, I’m not angry at you. I’m upset that you hid from for days rather than talking to me. We, you can’t do that anymore. We need to talk to each other. There is nothing about you that is sick. NOTHING, I am going to keep telling you that until you believe me.”

Bucky fidgeted and bit his lower lip, “so you aren’t going to kick me out? I’ve packed my bags and told JARVIS to find me new quarters.”

Steve seemed to lose all colour in his cheeks as he looked at him. He looked like he was about to cry and that was the last thing Bucky would ever want. “What? No. I don’t want you to leave, why would you even want to? Did you not just hear what I said?”

“Yes, that we need to talk, and I should ask before kissing someone.” Bucky waved a hand, “but I can leave that way, you can have that blonde chick over, the one I’ve seen you watching.”

“Oh My God,” Steve muttered, “I don’t want you to move out. I don’t want Sharon Carter to come over. I don’t want space from you. I want you to kiss me again so I can kiss you back! I want to cuddle with you. I want you to hug me back. I want. I want you to be mine Bucky Barnes, in any way I can have you. Best friend, roommate, boyfriend, partner, I’ll take what I can get.”

“You want that… with… me?” Bucky sounded surprised, and there was nothing he could do about that. Steve should have the best. Not because of the way he looked because of just how damn good he was.

“Bucky, I’ve wanted that with you since I hit puberty,” Steve gave a wry smile, “I didn’t think you felt the same way. You were always going out with girls and making me go on double dates.”

Looking into those bright blue eyes Bucky flushed and looked down at this hand, “nothing ever happened. They were girls that liked girls or both. Just trying to keep the heat off them and off myself. I didn’t want you to know I was sick. I thought you would hate me. I’ve wanted to be more than friends with you for as long as I can remember. Not that it means much with my memory.” He rolled his eyes, “I knew your name before I knew my own. They had to wipe me all the time because you would come back to me. My little spitfire.”

Before Steve could lean forward and kiss him like he wanted to, JARVIS’ voice came through the speaker, “I am sorry for the interruption,” and he really did sound sorry, “but Sir would like to know if he could see you.”

“Is it important, JARVIS?” Steve asked as he shifted closer to Bucky.

“It is about the group that set the bombs off in Central Park.”

Steve groaned as Bucky smirked, “we should go and find out what information he has. Can’t have the bad guys thinking because Captain America has a boyfriend that they can get away from things.”

Steve ducked his head and flushed, “he does? I mean, I do?”

“Yeah, if you want me, I’m yours. Whatever you want honey.”

Standing Steve pulled him to his feet, his arms wrapping around him before he pulled back and they headed out of the room. Bucky was right, just because they were together didn’t mean that they could just ignore information about people attacking others.

“Wait, Steve, before we get there, are we telling anyone about us? I don’t want to do anything that might upset you.”

Steve shrugged, “I don’t think we have to announce it, but we don’t have to hide it. I’m not ashamed of you Bucky. I would scream it to the world if you asked me to.”

“I don’t…” Bucky frowned, “I don’t mind if your friends know, not the public. I need to let someone know I’m alive, I guess, and they will bury me so deep I won’t see sunshine.” They had made it to the elevator by this stage.

“I won’t allow them,” Steve actually growled as he said it, “if they think they are taking you away from me, they will face the full wrath of a super-soldier.”

“Steve,” Bucky sighed, “I’m going to have to face up to the consequences of my actions eventually. You can’t protect me from everything.”

“It wasn’t you Bucky. You are the oldest POW on record. Yes, maybe we should tell someone, but I’m not having you taken from me.”

Bucky rolled his eyes, “let’s just go see what Stark has and then we can talk about everything else.” He promised him.

Walking into the common room, Bucky looked around, “so this is the conference room now?”

“There is coffee, Barnes, don’t knock it,” Clint said as he raised his coffee to him. “Besides it’s an ‘informal’ meeting. We only have formal meetings if Cap calls them.”

“Haha,” Steve rolled his eyes, flopped down on the couch, “I’ll have a coffee Bucky.”

“I thought you would have made me one but fine,” Bucky muttered as he threw him a look before he went and made the two coffees. He could hear them though, and really he hadn’t been invited to the meeting. He had just come because he wanted to be close to Steve. It didn’t matter that it had been his choice to stay away for a few days, he had missed him.

“J and I have been analysing the tech on those androids, they are HYDRA. Well, not the HYDRA we knew but something that has risen out of them. I know you’d think we got them all, but no, they are still up and around. I guess you really do cut off one head…”

Bucky put the coffee’s down and sat next to Steve. He didn’t touch him, but he could hear his arm whirl as he became internally agitated. HYDRA would never be gone; they would haunt him for the rest of his life. Maybe he didn’t really want to fight anymore he would go where Steve did.

“Do you know where they are so we can hit them hard and fast?” Steve asked as he reached for the coffee. Bucky felt him move so that he was pressed right against him. He guessed it was so that he was supporting his new boyfriend.

“Not yet. I just wanted to let you know that we had found them. I was wondering if the terrible two could do what they do and maybe Barnes could help go through some information.”

Bucky felt the coffee mug tremble in his hand, so he put it down. It wasn’t like he hadn’t been doing this one his own before he had come back to Steve. “I can do that.” He declared. It was an easy enough job.

“I’ll help Bucky until we get better intel and can actually make a strike against them,” Steve decided.

“Not like you will be much help to us,” Natasha told him, “you aren’t great at blending in.”

“I can blend,” Steve all but pouted, “I’m good at undercover stuff.”

“Yeah, a cap and glasses does not change the shape of your shoulders, dumbass.” Bucky sighed as he said it.

“You have never had a problem with my shoulders before.”

Natasha’s eyes narrowed as she watched them and Bucky grinned at her before turning back to Steve, “come on Captain Dorito, let’s go read some information.” He didn’t say he wanted to cuddle and kiss surely that was a given, right?

“Yes,” Steve said with a sudden sappy look, “information.” He jumped up, grabbed Bucky’s hand and all but dragged the dark-haired assassin from the room. “If you need us, we’ll be reading…information.”

“Yeah, sure.” Nat said and threw Bucky a thumbs up, “read away.”

Clint looked between the two of them then to Natasha, “I’m missing something, aren’t I? Why does no one tell me anything?”

“I will clue you in dear, come on we need to go and find some baddies.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy stuff and they said the B word finally. Poor Bucky one day I'll have him feel good about himself, just not this day.


	14. Are you going to Kiss Me Or Not?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooh we have kissing!

POV: Steve

Steve looked down at their joined hands and couldn’t help but smile. He had wanted this for as long as he could remember. To be allowed to touch Bucky in this kind of way. He lifted Bucky’s hand and kissed it, humming softly.

James bit his lips as he looked over at Steve, “you okay?”

Steve smiled, and he knew that it was bright and happy, “the best I’ve been in over 70 years.” He assured the other man. When he had woken up in this century, he had cursed every God he could think of. It wasn’t that he had wanted to die, it was just that he hadn’t wanted to live either. Not without Bucky. He had no idea what to do without Bucky by his side. Eventually, he had learnt how to survive without him. Not live though. Not really.

Bucky tilted his head, smiled a little and went back to trying to stand as close as he could to Steve in the elevator. Steve dropped his fingers from Bucky’s, even though he heard the faint protest from his boyfriend, and wrapped his arm around him instead, drawing him closer. Leaning down, he kissed the top of Bucky’s head and once again hummed in happiness. He would have to be blind to not see how touch starved Bucky was. He, once again, had to push down the rage he felt at how his Bucky had been treated by HYDRA. No one deserved to be tortured and brainwashed. To be forced to do atrocities that were so far against their own base nature.

“I’m so glad you are here with me,” Steve said softly as the elevator doors opened.

“Nowhere else I’d rather be,” Bucky said as he tugged him into the room. It didn’t matter that Bucky still saw this floor as Steve’s. He knew the truth that the only reason it felt like a home was because of Bucky. He was his home.

As soon as the door shut behind them, he was turning, pressing Bucky up against the wall as his hands caged him. He made them loose enough so that the other man could quickly get away if he needed. The last thing he needed to do was make Bucky feel like he was trapped.

Instead of backing away, Bucky smirked up at him, “are you going to kiss me or not?”

Letting his eyes drop to Bucky’s lips, his eyes darkened as he lent forward, his lips barely making contact as he breathed in Bucky’s scent. God, he was delicious. How had he gone so long without doing this? Licking along the seam of the other man’s lips, he listened as Bucky made a slight whimper. He felt the metal arm clutch at his back and wasn’t that a turn on?

“Stop fucking teasing me, Steven.”

Steve let out a chuckle as he pulled back and looked at Bucky. “You are so beautiful,” he murmured before he pulled the other man closer, his mouth settling on his. Bucky’s lips were soft, and Steve moved over them with a teasing lick. As the lips under his parted Steve darted his tongue in. A groan of pleasure escaped him as he held Bucky close to him. He wasn’t the most experienced person when it came to kissing, or anything else sexual, but he wasn’t a naïve virgin either. One of his hands came up to play with Bucky’s long hair while the other cupped his cheek. There was nothing hectic about the kiss, it was slow and intimate, and Steve wanted it to never end.

Like all good things, though it had end, after all, breathing was something that needed to happen. Tucking Bucky’s hair behind his ear. Steve gave him an unsure smile, “was that okay?”

Bucky snorted, even as he looked at Steve shyly, “if it was any more okay, I’d be a puddle on the floor.” He looked down then back up at Steve, dropping his hands from Steve’s hips as he did so.

“I love you, Buck, you know, that right?” Steve said, suddenly. It was good to finally say it out allowed. To be allowed to say it in the way he meant it. He loved James Barnes, always had, it had started out as friends, moved to brothers then into something else. Steve had not known how much he loved Bucky until the other man had come back into his life after the fight on the bridge. Seeing him had made something in him release that he didn’t even know was holding him back. He had missed Bucky in so many ways, and now he didn’t want to be without him.

Pulling Steve towards the couch, Bucky looked back over his shoulder at him, “I… I think I’m starting to believe that.”

Steve smiled as he allowed himself to be pulled along. “I’ll keep telling you until you do. You can’t get rid of me Bucky, not ever. I didn’t realise how much I missed you until you were back. There was a hole in my soul, and you filled it back up. I love you.” He flopped onto the couch next to Bucky. “I know you don’t believe you deserve good things Bucky, but I don’t deserve you either so maybe in our underserving way we can fit together.”

Bucky looked at him, and Steve was surprised to see tears in his eyes. Out of the two of them, Bucky had always been the more emotional. Steve had always been angry at everything; his mother had said he had come out of the womb that way. Bucky had countered that with his happy go lucky attitude. Sure, he had always defended Steve and helped him with the fights that he caused, but he would often charm his way out of fighting. Bucky had always been able to use his charm and his words to get out of things.

Without thinking, Steve smiled and shuffled in the seat until he could lay his head on Bucky’s chest. It wasn’t the most comfortable, but it was familiar. He had always been smaller until the serum and Bucky, well, he had always made him feel safe. One day he would remind Bucky of that. One day the other man would accept his love without question. Until then he would have to be patient. It wasn’t something that he was good at, but it was something that the other man needed.

“Steve, I… I love you too,” Bucky whispered into the blonde’s hair. Steve had a feeling it was easier for Bucky without having to look at him. “I just wish I ... I was your Bucky still.”

Hitting him gently Steve frowned, not that Bucky could see it, “Bucky, it wouldn’t matter if you were still the Winter Soldier, you would always be MY Bucky. I don’t care if you never remember. I don’t care that you are different. We both are. You are my Bucky, and I am your Stevie. I’m different from the man you grew up with as well you know. I’m bigger for one, and we’ve both seen and done things that have changed us. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t perfect for me just the way you are.”

Bucky kissed the top of Steve’s head and sighed, “I do love you, Steve but… can we take this slow?”

“As slow as you like Buck. If this is all I ever go, snuggling and kissing you on the couch, then I’d die a happy man.” Of course, he wanted more. Only when Bucky was ready. He wasn’t going to rush the other man. He had no idea what HDYRA had done to him. Had he been sexually assaulted by them? He didn’t want to ask him though if Bucky wanted to talk about it, then he would. Until then, Steve would be happy with what Bucky had to give him.

“Please don’t die. Happy or not, I need you to stay alive for me, Steve. I’m not sure I can face this without you.”

Steve sat back up, tugging so that Bucky was against him. His arms wrapping around him as he made sure they were both comfortable. “I’m not going to die on you any time soon, Buck. I promise to be as careful as I can be and come back to you.”

“No more jumping out of aircraft with no parachutes. Jumping on grenades for the greater good?”

“Well let’s not get carried away there! I won’t make you promises I can’t keep.”

A laugh was surprised out of Bucky, “at least some things never change.”

Steve smiled to himself and tugged Bucky up so that he could once again kiss him. His lips traced over the other mans. He had never felt this happy. Yes, he would need to check on the information that Stark had provided. Eventually, Captain America would be required again, but God it was nice just being Steve Rogers for a little bit. Just spending time with the man, he loved.

“Do..” Bucky paused for a moment, “do you think Peggy would be happy for me? For you?”

Steve had always known that Bucky was jealous of Steve and Pegs relationship. He had thought it was because the other man was upset that Peggy wasn’t paying attention to him. That wasn’t the case it seemed. “I think Peggy knew that we were more than friends. It didn’t matter that we had never been anything more, I think she knew what we meant to each other.” He kissed Bucky’s cheek and carded his hands through his hair, “she’d be happy that we found each other. I can’t say what would have happened back then. I loved her Buck, I still do, but not in the way I love you. I would have been comfortable with her, but you? God, with you, I can be happy.”

Bucky captured Steve’s lips with his own as he smiled against his lips, “I will try and make you happy every day. I know it’s not going to be easy, I’m not easy. I’ll try, though.”

“Just be you, and I’ll be me, and together we will be unstoppable. Go, team.”

“Go, Team,” Bucky said as he nuzzled at Steve’s neck, his mouth lingering in small kisses as he clung to Steve


	15. Thunderstruck

“You are in the tower Mr Barnes,” JARVIS calm voice penetrated the fog in his brain as he shook his head, “Captain Rogers wishes to let you know that he is in the common room. Thor has come for a visit if you would like to meet him.”

Bucky had a feeling that it wasn’t a request. He laid there for a few moments more. It seemed he had fallen asleep on the couch while snuggling with Steve. He felt more rested than he had in a long time so that could be a good side effect of the whole boyfriend thing. Smirking as he pushed back the blanket, obviously, Steve had made him comfortable, he stood and stretched. The feeling of his bones cracking was more satisfying than it should be. “Does Steve want me to join him?”

He pushed his hair back, pulling out the tie so he could smooth it down and place it in a low bun. He needed to cut it, but that was going to be a disaster waiting to happen. Someone coming at him with scissors. He loved Steve; he wasn’t sure even the blonde love of his life could get that close to him with a weapon.

“Thor said that he would like to meet the Captain’s Shield Brother.” JARVIS said, “Captain Rogers would like you to join them if you feel up to it.”

Bucky couldn’t stop the eye roll as he heard what Steve had said. Stupid punk. He never just said yes Bucky I want you here. Oh no, it was all about Bucky’s choice. Which was great but when you couldn’t even choose what you wanted to eat; it wasn’t always great.

Standing up, he headed to his room so he could change and meet the God of Thunder. Bucky was no longer trying to impress anyone; this man was a friend of Steve’s, though. He was sure that his opinion counted. He also had extremely good biceps.

Pausing in the doorway of the common room, Bucky decided he needed to reassess his observation about the God of Thunder. He had fantastic arms and everything else really. It wouldn’t matter if he were the most gorgeous man in the Universe. No one compared to Steven Grant Rogers, not in Bucky’s mind. Stepping into the room, he gave Steve a shy smile but waited until he walked further into the room. He wasn’t sure why he was hesitating.

Smiling as he saw him, Steve held his hand out to him. Bucky looked at it, took a deep breath, and stepped fully into the room. At the moment only Thor was there with Steve. He knew that would change as the Avengers got word that the God of Thunder was here. They were a team, and Bucky wasn’t really one of them. Not yet. They wouldn’t kick him out of the room though he knew that.

Taking Steve’s hand, he smiled at him but didn’t lean in for a kiss. Had Steve told any of his friends about him?

“Bucky, this is Thor. Thor, this is my Bucky.”

Thor came forward then stopped for a moment. He looked at Bucky closely then held out his hand to him. “It’s a pleasure to meet Steve’s Shield Mate.” 

Letting go of Steve’s hand, he put his hand in Thor’s. He was not ready to use the metal one yet, so he always made sure that he used his ‘flesh’ hand to touch people. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt anyone. “It’s nice to meet you as well. Steve speaks highly of you.” Bucky would reserve judgement because Steve had crappy taste when it came to other people. Look at who his boyfriend was!

He had been warned that Thor was loud and boisterous, but so far, he seemed somewhat normal. Bucky wasn’t sure if he was disappointed or not. He didn’t like loud noises, so that was a bonus. Thor didn’t seem very God-like so far. Bucky watched him with Steve for a few moments before he reached for the coffee that his partner had made for him. The best thing about Thor was he seemed to have realised that there was more than friendship between the two and hadn’t blinked an eye. Bucky hoped, for Steve’s sake, that all of his friends were like that.

Sitting, talking with Thor was interesting. He had hidden depths and learning about Asgard was fascinating. As the other Avengers started to filter into the room, Bucky couldn’t help but laugh to himself. He could understand why Steve and Thor got along so well. They were both shit stirrers. Both of them would pretend to not know how something worked, just to get a reaction out of people. The whole blonde, blue-eyed, aww shucks ma’am routine worked so well for them. Bucky couldn’t help but smirk as he watched them work the other Avengers up. Especially Stark. God, he fell for it every time, and it was amusing to watch.

Eventually, he needed space though so he made his way out onto the balcony. Leaning against the railing and watching the play of lights below him was calming.

“I am glad you came back, Sargent Barnes,” Thor came up beside him. He had made enough noise to not spook the other man, and Bucky was grateful, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Steve smile this much.”

“Most people don’t see beyond the shield. They see Captain America and think that’s Steve. It’s not. I’m gonna guess that you’re the same. People expect the God of Thunder to be loud and outgoing, so you have to be.”

Thor inclined his head, “you see more than you should I think Mr Barnes.”

“Bucky. My name is Bucky.”

“A name hard fought for, I would be honoured to call you it.”

He was a strange man. Thor. Bucky found that he was wary of him. He had a kind heart, from what he could see, but he was also dangerous. He felt like he was on edge, waiting for Thor to strike him down. “Did you want something from me?” Bucky blurted out without thinking.

Thor looked at him then smiled, it was a sad smile, but it was one. “I want nothing from you. You remind me a little of my brother. We had been estranged for a long time. He died protecting me.”

“I am sorry for your loss,” Bucky said softly reach out to pat Thor’s bicep. It was a really lovely bicep.

“Are you? Loki is the one that caused the destruction in New York. He made Steve fight again.”

Bucky snorted, “Steve would fight his own shadow if he could. Loki may have pushed him into a fight earlier, but he didn’t make him do it. Steve likes the fight. As for the invasion,” he shrugged, “not going to lie, that sucked. Doesn’t mean you can’t love him.” Even as he talked, a realisation came to him, “you sneaky bastard.” He muttered, “it doesn’t matter what he’s done, you get to love what he was to you, what he was before the destruction.” He could be talking about him and Steve. He had been amused earlier that the Avengers underestimated Thor and Steve, then he’d walked right into it. “Wait, I saw pictures of your brother, he doesn’t look like you.”

“He was adopted. We didn’t find out until we were both adults. I didn’t treat him fairly but it was not because of that. It was because I desired his company around me so much; he was my brother, that I overlooked that he wasn’t like me.”

“I’m sure he knew you cared. Even if he was an arsehole, I bet he still knew you cared. Isn’t that what they say? We always hurt the ones we love the most?” Ha! Look at him being all-wise and shit.

“You are a good man Bucky Barnes. I hope that I can call you a friend one day.”

He still wasn’t comfortable with Thor, but he nodded his head at him. Bucky was learning how to be friends again, with thanks to Clint Barton, but it would take him a long time to be comfortable. Turning his head slightly, he saw Thor pat Steve’s arm as he passed him.

Steve came up next to Bucky and nudged him with his shoulder, “you doing okay gorgeous? I know they can be a lot when they get together.”

“We get together Steve, we. You are part of them, you know.” Bucky turned to rest his back against the railing, looking at the different Avengers as they made their way back to their own spaces.

“Yeah, I know, but you are the most important part of me, so you are part of them as well.”

Bucky’s lips twitched, “you know that’s not how it works right, Pal? You can’t just WILL them to accept me.” He feels the sadness creep up when he thinks of Stark. How could Steve ever believe that Tony would accept him? He puts up with him, and Bucky is grateful for that alone.

Steve smiled, kissing his forehead as he wrapped his arms around him. He didn’t seem to care if anyone saw them and Bucky relaxed a little bit against him at that. “They will see how great you are Buck.”

“You know the only person whose opinion I care about is you right? I only care about you.” Bucky told him as he dropped his head on his shoulder. “Thor.. he made me see some things I hadn’t thought about. I.. I love you, Steve.”

“I love you too, Bucky,” Steve had tears in his eyes as he drew back. “Come on, let’s go home.”

Bucky nodded and followed him. As they walked, he thought about what Thor had said to him and about his brother. “Did you meet Loki?”

“You mean the man that tried to kill me in Germany and then in New York?”

“What.. in Germany? I didn’t hear about that one,” Bucky frowned, “damnit I wouldn’t have been so nice to Thor about him if I knew that. Well okay, I would have because he’s still his brother. If you turned out to be secretly HYDRA, I would still love you. Not support you but love you.”

Steve looked at him, and Bucky was sure he was going to melt into a big puddle, “fuck it, Rogers, don’t get sappy with me.” He was going to cling to him and secretly, well secretly Bucky LOVED it.

“I can’t help it when you say such nice things to me, Buck.”

He rolled his eyes as he walked, “what weapon did he have? This Loki that he could almost kill you?”

“A sceptre,” Steve sighed as they walked into their floor, “it had a shiny blue orb in it.”

“A blue orb,” Bucky was sure he was going to faint.

“Yeah, we are searching for it. We gave it to Rumlow after the fight and well... surprise he was HYDRA.”

Bucky sat down rather heavily at the mention of Brock Rumblow’s name. He could feel himself on the verge of a panic attack. He had been a hateful little man. The pain he inflicted on Bucky still made him tremble even though now he was free from his conditioning Rumlow would come off second best.

“Come back to me baby, you are safe in the tower,” he could vaguely hear Steve murmuring to him over and over. Finally, with a last shudder, “Steve?” It was a mere whisper of a sound.

“There you are beautiful,” Steve said softly, “may I touch you?”

“Hug, please.” Bucky couldn’t talk much, but the firm feel of Steve’s arms around him made him shudder. He dropped his head onto those broad shoulders and felt safe. He was safe.

“I got you, Buck, always,” Steve rubbed at his back.

“I’m sorry, I’m not sure what set it off, Rumlow.. he.. he was a handler.” Bucky didn’t want to look at Steve as he said it, “not a pleasant one. He enjoys inflicting pain.” Would Steve know? Would Steve leave him because he had never fought back? What if Steve realised one day that he was weak, so weak.

“Well if he’s even alive after the helicarriers I’ll get to kill him all over,” Steve muttered. “It won’t be quick or painless either.”

Bucky knew that Steve was not unnecessarily cruel, but Rumlow would deserve it. He had hurt Bucky and in turn that hurt Steve. “Steve, no wait, Steve,” he tugged on the other man’s shirt, “the staff. I know where it was being taken too. They were talking on experimenting on some twins with it. I.. they were going to Sokovia with it.”

Steve frowned and looked at Bucky, “you remember this?”

Bucky looked at him, a hurt look creeping into his eyes. Did Steve think he was lying? That he had deliberately held information back, that wouldn’t help the Avengers? He would never. Even if it meant that Steve could be hurt, he still wouldn’t do it.

Seeing the look on Bucky’s face Steve shook his head, “I believe you, honey, I do, but we need to tell the others, especially Thor. That sceptre is too powerful to be in anyone’s hands but his.”

“I remembered it when we were talking about Loki. Then you mentioned Rumlow, and it clicked. I’m sorry. I wish I had remembered earlier.”

“You did good Buck. Tomorrow we will talk to the rest of the team and get a plan together. Tonight… why don’t we just go to bed hmm?”

Bucky licked his lips, “can.. can I sleep with you? I just.. I.. holding.” He still found it hard to ask for things that he wanted. Found it hard to believe that he COULD without being punished. He braced himself for Steve’s rejection.

“Oh I would love that Buck.” Steve told him, a delighted smile coming to his face, “there is nothing in the world I want more than to hold you and be held by you.”

Bucky felt himself go limp at the answer.

“You honestly thought I would say no to holding you? Gesh Buck, for someone who always said they were the smart one in our relationship, you sure can be dumb.”

“Thank you for your love and support, Steven. See if I let you hold me now.” Bucky pouted, even as Steve pulled him to his feet.

“You love me.”

“I really, really do.”

It would be one of the best night sleeps he had since coming back from HYDRA’s control. Being held by Steve, it was the safest place in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in getting this chapter out. I have major clinical depression and had a small slip in my mood. All good now.


	16. Flashback King

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is set after CAWS - Ultron never happened nor will it. I did take some things from it though because I love Wanda. Steve in this is just smart enough to know NOT to give world-altering weapons to Mr Stark.
> 
> Text in italics is the past

“Why do you think I would want to use a machine that makes me think of vomit?” Bucky glared at Tony and crossed his arm, “I mean it’s called BARF, you want me to do that?”

“Look okay, I need to work on the acronym, but it’s a good machine. With JARVIS’ help, we can target the memories that you have when it comes to Loki’s Sceptre. That way, we know where to look.”

“I told you everything I remembered; do you think I’m lying?” He couldn’t help but growl as he said it. Honestly now they were calling him a liar.

“No, no, I know you’ve told us all you think you know. It’s just this will show it to you in a hologram so you can SEE it, that means something else might ping in there,” Tony wasn’t sure if he was making his case or not.

“Will everyone be able to see it?” He wasn’t sure he wanted Steve to see his memories.

“Well, that’s up to you. I mean you can see it and see how bad it is. If it’s relevant, you can show us?” 

Bucky paused and looked at Steve, who was shifting nervously. He wanted to help the team, which meant that maybe he should just let them see it. They were aware that he about his past torture, if he could make sure that nothing to do with the Stark’s came up, well maybe it would be okay.

“Fine, you can put me in your little machine. I don’t care if anyone sees it if it helps you the team.”

“You don’t go inside a machine; it’s just some special glasses, or I can put some sticky devices on your temples. Whatever works for you.”

“I’m staying in here with you,” Steve announced. 

“Of course, you are punk,” Bucky was happy to have Steve with him in case he needed the support, but he didn’t want any of the others with him. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust them; it was more that he didn’t trust himself not to lash out.

Steve looked surprised that he wasn’t fighting him, but what was he going to do? Push him away when he knew that he needed him. “Alright, then.”

Bucky shook his head and then looked at Tony, “okay, let’s do this. Let the team know this might not be pretty and that I’m sorry for what they see. If anyone is uncomfortable you can leave, I won’t be offended, that includes you, Steve.”

“I am NOT leaving you alone during this Bucky. I don’t care what I see.”

“Sure.”

He sighed and held his hand out for the glasses. He had no idea how this worked. Tony had tried to tell him, but it had gone over his head. He would have to trust that Stark had his back on this. It seemed like an expensive toy.

He took a deep breath as the machine started; it didn’t feel like anything. “Sargent Barnes, think of 2012, you were with HYDRA, and you were listening to the agents talk about the sceptre.” JARVIS coaxed him. He was ready to turn it off if it got too personal.

Bucky’s hand came out to grab onto Steve’s as a darkroom came into view. He was watching himself sit there with no emotion on his face, just his eyes darting around the room. Poor puppet, he had no idea what was going on.

_“I can’t believe that Captain America just handed the Sceptre over to us. I thought he’d be smarter than that.” Rollin’s laughed as he said it._

_The Winter Solider looked up at the name Captain America but didn’t say anything, his eyes darting around, he knew that name it would seem._

_“I know but be glad he has only been awake for a few weeks. I hear Pierce is going to try and get him to lead the Strike team. It’s going to be a case of keeping your friends close but your enemies closer. Steve Rogers. I tell you he won’t know what hit him.”_

_“Stevie?” Bucky said softly._

_Rumlow turned towards the Asset, “Did you open your mouth?”_

_The Solider looked at him then flicked his gaze downwards._

_“Yeah, that’s what I thought. Just shut up, or I’ll make you.”_

_Alexander Pierce walked into the room holding the case that had the Sceptre in it. “This needs to go to Sokovia. There is a program that needs it. They are going to study it and try and use the mind control section that the alien did. If it works, then we will create our soldiers. Maybe we can use it to make a new Asset,” his gaze went to the Soldat. “None of them will be as good as you,” he almost sounded fond of him, “but if we don’t have to do all the training, then it’s got to be a good thing. The Asset will go with the carrier to make sure it gets there.” Pierce walked over to the Solider, “you will make sure that the Sceptre gets there safely. If anything goes wrong it will be you that is to blame, do you understand me?”_

_“But... Steve,” Bucky’s voice sounded confused as he looked at the Director, “I know him.”_

_A hard slap echoed through the room; the Solider didn’t react to it other than to look at Pierce with those haunted eyes. “You are nothing. You aren’t even a person, just an empty shell. You know no one. Wipe him.”_

_“Come Solider,” one of the techs came forward nervously._

_“Don’t show him any fear. He’s like a dog, the more fear you show him, the more he’ll react.” Rumlow swaggered forward and grabbed Bucky’s arm. Pulling him forward, he didn’t care if he was bruising him. “Let’s go Solider. You come and get wiped since you are once again defective. You can never do anything right. I don’t get why Pierce keeps you around. I’d put you down.”_

_Bucky ignored him as they walked towards the chair. Rumlow didn’t like being ignored, and he brought the taser rod up, poking Bucky in the back with it. The super soldier flinched but kept walking, ignoring the pain as best as he could. “I can still find new ways to make you bleed. You don’t own that body, I do, and I’ll do what I want with it. Remember that.”_

_Rumlow backed off as the technicians came. “Peirce wants him wiped. He’s being uncooperative.”_

_Bucky raised his gaze, he looked at Rumlow and stated, quite clearly now that he was in the chair, “I don’t belong to you. This body belongs to Steve.”_

“Oh God, Bucky,” Steve turned to him when the memory faded, “what did they do to you?”

“Whatever they wanted,” Bucky said. He wasn’t sure he would ever get to the point where he wasn’t ashamed that they had broken him. It had taken them years, but it had happened. “Let’s just see the rest of it.”

“Of course,” Steve squeezed his hand, the tears still silently falling.

Bucky felt terrible that he had to see this. He knew that these were not the worst memories he had. It was still wrong for someone as good as Steve to see them.

_They were in a different room; it was old with steel around it._

_“So Soldat, you have our Sceptre.”_

_Bucky looked at the man in front of him and tilted his head, “I can only give it to the right person.” He knew the punishment if he didn’t check the name._

_“I am Baron Wolfgang von Strucker,” he held his hand out, not to shake, that was below the Asset, no he wanted the Sceptre._

_Nodding his head, he handed the Sceptre over, looking past him he saw two young kids, huddled together. A frown touched his face, but he smoothed it out._

_“Ahh yes, what a beautiful thing. We will run tests on it then let our volunteers near it and see how it reacts. His gaze flicked back to the Asset, “I am under instructions to not use this on you.”_

_The Asset couldn’t help but be grateful for that. Hadn’t Hydra done enough to him without having him fucked up in the head even more but that thing? “I hear it can make men be controlled, but that has already happened to you. Go, sit with the twins.”_

_Turning on his heel, Bucky walked over and sat near the two people there._

_“I’m Pietro, this is my sister Wanda,” the young man introduced himself._

_“I am The Asset,” Bucky said._

_“That’s not a name; you must have a name?” Wanda said as she looked at him, her gaze going over his metal arm, “what did they do to you?”_

_“They made me.” That was all he said as he crossed his arms. He hadn’t been told he couldn’t talk, but he was the one that would get punished if something happened. “Why did you volunteer?” Why did people ask to join a shit storm like Hydra? Did they like the pain that would follow?_

_“We want to be powerful, and then we want to find Tony Stark.”_

_“I don’t know who that is,” Bucky admitted._

_“He is the man who made the bombs that killed our parents. We sat in our building for days waiting for the second bomb to go off, sitting there staring at the name Stark.” Wanda spat it out. Anger and hatred were rolling off her in waves._

_“He didn’t fire the bomb though did he?” Bucky asked suddenly, “wasn’t it the people that fired its fault?”_

_“No. It was the person who made it. He made it and then didn’t care where it ended up. He did this to us.” Pietro said, “He took everything from us. When our parents died, we had to run and live on the streets; we were 12 years old. They wanted to separate us.” He said, and he sounded so lost. “We volunteered for this; we want this.”_

_“They will kill you.” Bucky said flatly, “they will hurt you and they will change you. What you have signed up for, it’s not powerful. They will make you a weapon.”_

_“Asset,” Strucker said, and his voice was displeased. “You will come with me. This infraction will be reported to your handler.”_

_Bucky dropped his head, “yes, sir.”_

_“What will happen to you?” Wanda asked, concern in her tone._

_“Pain. Punishment. They will think of something.” His voice was resigned. “It’s okay Kid. They still find me useful. When I’m not, The Weapon will be terminated.”_

_He left the most misguided teenagers he had ever seen. He hoped they didn’t lose their spirit, but it would be broken. If it were successful, they would turn them into weapons. If it weren’t, they would put them down so they couldn’t talk. They had not joined the righteous. Before he was out of earshot, he turned his head, “if you ever need help, find Steve. He’ll help.”_

“That is all I have of those memories Sirs,” JARVIS interrupted the hologram.

“Did they punish you?” Steve asked.

A full-body flinch rocked Bucky’s body as the others joined them in the room, “they… yes. Rumlow was thorough.” That is all he would say. He wouldn’t tell Steve about the blood or where he had put the taser. No, it would better if he didn’t know how damaged Bucky was.

“They hate me,” Tony Stark sounded devastated. “I killed their parents, and I know how they feel.”

“Well, according to you the bomb should be to blame, right?” Steve asked him, dragging his red, tear-filled eyes, from Bucky. “If it’s Bucky’s fault your parents are dead, then it’s the fault of the bomb that they are. I mean it couldn’t be the person that created the bomb or whoever pulled the trigger. It’s the bomb.”

“Steve,” Bucky said softly, putting a hand on his arm, “now isn’t the time. It’s not the place. Just drop it. I don’t blame Tony for hating me, I expect it. Just leave it.”

“As much as I’d love to see the two of you get into it, Bucky’s right, we need to come up with a plan.” Clint said, “did you get any data we could use JARVIS?”

“I will be running an analysis on the surrounding area and the names that Mr Barnes has provided.”

“Until we get all the information, I think I need a drink.” Tony decided, “who’s joining me?”

Bucky shook his head, “I need a shower. I .. I need to be clean.” Those memories had come back, and he needed to clean his skin. He felt dirty. Used.

“I’m going with Bucky. I don’t want him alone after that. Not because I can’t trust him, but because no one should be alone after that. I need..”

Bucky nodded, “come on, Steve.” Steve needed to be near him, to reassure himself that Bucky was real and there, not being hurt. He understood that. In truth, he found it hard when Steve was out of his sight.

“You knew me,” Steve said as they walked back to his quarters. “In both of those memories, you knew my name.”

“I didn’t know how you were. I just knew you were important.” Bucky explained. “Every time I remembered a small blond spitfire or the name Steve, they would wipe me. I wasn’t allowed to remember anything from my life. I learnt to be quiet about it unless I was provoked. The trouble was I got confused easily and would say things. I would get wiped. It happened Steve.”

“I’m sorry Bucky,” he sobbed, unable to stop himself, “I’m sorry I didn’t find you. That I didn’t save you. God, I am so sorry.”

“Shh baby,” he turned and put his arms around him. He was grateful that JARVIS had halted the elevator. “I don’t blame you. You didn’t know. You would have come for me if you had known. I know that.” He rubbed gently at Steve’s back. How long had it been since he had broken down? How long had been carrying this burden? He was Captain America and always had to be strong. To Bucky, he was always going to be little Stevie Rogers. The man he loved. The man he had to protect.

“Come on; we are going back to our quarters. I’m going to take a shower then we are going to make some hot chocolate and popcorn. We’ll watch trashy movies, hold each other and make out. We’re both here, and we’re both safe. Tomorrow we’ll worry about what happens next.”

Steve took a shaky breath, “sure Buck, whatever you want.”


	17. Sacrafice Play

Bucky sat with his arm crossed. He was brooding, not sulking. The Avengers were hypocrites that was the whole problem here. They were all about being able to make choices. Steve went out of his way to reassure Bucky every chance he could that he was his own person, able to make his own decisions and that he would support him no matter what. Until they didn’t like the suggestion, he made. Oh no Captain I’m a Tactical Genius America decided to tell him, in front of everyone, this idea was never going to happen.

Steve had then proceeded to leave the meeting, telling everyone that he couldn’t do this right now and leaving Bucky there with everyone glaring at him like he was in the wrong. Bucky refused to go after him, maybe it would be better to let him calm down a little bit. 

“What the fuck was that, Barnes?” It was Tony that broke the silence. Hell, out of all the people in the room he had thought Stark would be on his side.

“He asked for an idea, I offered mine.” 

“By saying you’d pretend to be the Winter Soldier again so you could infiltrate the base?” Barton said with a snort.

“Hey! We all know it would work better if we had someone on the inside. They don’t know I’m better now. I doubt that the base has a chair lying around. The worst thing they’ll do is put me back in the freezer for a bit. You could get me out.” It didn’t matter that he shuddered at the thought of the chair on the cryo chamber. For Steve, he would go back. To save them, he would make the sacrifice.

“You’re a fucking moron, Barnes,” Tony once again pointed out, his arms crossing as he glared at the Super Solider. “I thought Rogers had the whole sacrifice myself thing down pat but you my friend, you take the cake. What the fuck were you thinking? Did you really think that Cap wouldn’t fall apart at the thought of you back in Hydra hands?”

“Tony, enough,” Sam said with a hand on the other man’s arm.

“I thought you’d support me on this, Stark. I thought you would understand and back me up.”

“Why? Because you killed my parents, you think I want you dead? They,” he gestured to the rest of the team, “have given me the videos. I’ve seen the footage of what they did to you.” He frowned as he said it, “I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. No one, not you, not me, not Steve, no one deserved that shit. So, as much as I don’t know if we’ll ever be friends, I can’t hate you. I also can’t see someone I like and admire fall apart because their boyfriend is a fucking dumbass.”

Well, all of that was news. Stark didn’t hate him. Did that mean he could stop hiding now? He looked away from them and sighed. At least it was only Stark, Sam and Clint in the room. Bruce had left because apparently, he wanted to hit someone. Bucky sympathised, he often wanted to hit Steve as well. Thor had gone after him, after glaring at Bucky. The God of Thunder made you feel less than when he looked at you like that. He wasn’t sure why but disappointing him was on par with letting Steve down. He had managed to do both, he had a feeling Bruce was not talking about hitting Steve. 

Natasha, thankful, had only hit him lightly upside the head before taking off to make sure Steve didn’t do something stupid in his anger. He could have told her that was a lost cause, there was no stopping Steve’s stupidity.

“Steve is a dumbass every day,” Bucky had to defend himself, throwing Steve under the bus was okay in this circumstance. Besides, he could call the love of his life that, it was everyone else that had to be kind to him.

“Steve doesn’t offer to sacrifice himself without thinking it through. Hmm, how do you think he…how ANY of us would feel if we had to listen to them torture you until you could get us inside? How do you think it would make him feel if they succeeded and we had to put you down? You know he couldn’t do that, right? That he would sacrifice himself before he saw you hurt? Do you think at all sometimes Bucky?” Sam asked but then kept going before Bucky could answer. “I know you don’t think you are worth much, I know you have a fuck ton of issues more than the rest of us, for a good reason. I’m not saying they aren’t valid, but neither is putting Steve in that situation. You knew he would say no, you knew how it would make him feel. Yes, okay, I get that it makes sense in your head. I can even see how it makes sense to the rest of us. We don’t sacrifice people Barnes, especially good people. Especially members of our team.”

He opened his mouth to argue that he was not a member of the team because that’s the only point in there that wasn’t valid. No, he hadn’t thought how Steve would feel. He had just been so eager to help in the only way he knew how. He had always been expendable to Hydra. Sure they had always wanted him to come back, but that was because training another Super Solider would be hell. If he had failed on a mission and not come out of alive, no one would mourn him. 

Now he knew that Steve would. Steve would be devastated if anything happened to him, and that would mean he would have to fucking apologise. God. That was the worst.

“Sorry to break it to you Bucky, you became a member of this team the moment I approached you. You’re welcome!” Barton said then nudged him. “Just don’t go throwing your life away. We’re a team, we’ll come up with a better way.” He put his hand on Bucky’s shoulder and squeezed as he walked out. Nothing was going to get done today.

He crept quietly back into the apartment he shared with Steve. The thing was he wasn’t trying to hide that he was here, he was just creeping. He was a master assassin thank you very much.

“Bucky, come here for a moment?” Steve called to him from the couch.

He squared his shoulders as he got prepared for a fight he didn’t want. Steve was going to yell at him. Yelling leads to hitting, which leads to punishment. Logically Bucky trusted Steve, he knew he wouldn’t hurt him and yet… and yet here they were.

Walking into the den area, he frowned as he saw Steve standing in front of one of the lounge chairs. There was a full-length mirror standing in front of it. This was some kind of trick he knew. He approached warily. What was he up to? 

“Sit, please.” Steve indicated the chair in front of the mirror. 

Frowning Bucky looked up at him, “the mirrors going to explode and shower me with glass shards? Widow has been in here, anything could happen.” He pointed this out even as he took the seat. Usually, he would try and put up a fight but today had worn him out. Plus he owed Steve this much.

“Nothing is going to happen,” Steve waited for Bucky to take the seat then walked behind him. Resting his hands on his shoulders, he directed Bucky’s attention to the mirror. “When you look in there. What do you see?”

“I see the asshole who hurt you, and I see you.” There was no point to this, and he tried to look away. Every time he tried, Steve would gently direct his gaze back to the mirror.

“Well yeah, you are that, but do you know what I see?” Steve’s gaze met his in the mirror and Bucky couldn’t look away. “I see the strongest man I have ever known. My childhood best friend who looked out for me when no one would give me a chance. You stayed by my side when I was sick when I was dying when I was alone. When I was being stupid and fighting people twice my size, it was you who ran in to help.

We went to war. Me by choice, you not so much. You stayed after you’d been tortured after you’d been injected with the serum unknowingly when it must have been causing you so much pain. You stayed because I was there. You were taken and shaped into something against your will. Your mind was wiped, and your brain sabotaged, and still, you remembered me. Yet you were strong enough to fight back against it and once again you are protecting me. You make sure I take care of myself.

No one in this world has ever known or loved me like you do. You don’t care about Captain America; you care about Little Stevie Rogers. The kid who never knew how to back down from a fight and I love you. I love you Bucky. The beautiful soul that was torn apart and is trying to hold it together. The man who wakes up screaming from things that I will never comprehend. The man who tries to stay strong for me even when I know it’s killing him inside. The man who would sacrifice everything he is for me.

I want you to know Buck, I see you. I see you, and I love you. The darkness, the weakness, the strength and the beauty. I love it all. Do you see why I can’t let you go back to them? I wouldn’t survive losing you again.”

Bucky had never heard Steve say so much at once. By the time he had finished, he was sobbing. Turning to press his face into Steve’s stomach, he sobbed out the pain, the anger, the joy. He cried for the young man he had been, who had just wanted peace. To only see his Steve happy. He sobbed for the monster they had turned him into. For the people that he had killed and the people, he had tried to save. Mostly he just cried for the pain Steve had gone through.

“You don’t have to fight anymore Bucky, not if you don’t want to. Just live for me though hmm? Don’t give your life away. It’s not yours to give anymore. It’s mine as well, and I’m not sure I could survive it.”

“I’m… I’m sorry, Stevie, I’m sorry. I thought you were going to yell at me some more, call me names maybe even hit me.”

He could feel Steve flinch as he said it, and then he sighed. Dropping his hands from his shoulders, he rubbed Bucky’s back. “I wanted to. Badly. Then Nat pointed out why you said it. Why you thought it. No one has been kind to you in a long time. Hydra let you believe that you were expendable. I’m here to tell you that no one is. Not any of my friends. I wouldn’t allow any of my team to take that much risk. There is no way I would encourage you to do something like this. I can’t stop you. I know that. I just want you to think about me, though when you make such stupid choices.”

Bucky pulled back and snorted. “Like you can talk. Mr jumps into danger without thinking things through.”

“You may have a point, but we are talking about you right now and not me.”

“Uh, huh. I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll think about you before I open my mouth, and you think about me before you throw yourself into the fire, eh?”

“Deal,” Steve said as he leant down to kiss Bucky on the forehead. “So we aren’t going to think about going into Hydra as an inside man are we?”

“No. I… I didn’t really want to anyway. I just thought it was the best way to keep you and your friends safe.”

“ _ Our _ friends,  _ our _ team. They aren’t the Howlies, but they are good people, and they care about both of us. Stubborn Arseholes that we are.”

Bucky sighed then looked back at the mirror. “You know what I see when I look at you?”

“Oh, this is going to be good,” Steve smirked.

“My heart. I see my heart beating outside of my body, and it scares me so much that it could get damaged.”

Steve looked shocked that he hadn’t said something like a dumbass, but then he smiled shyly. “If I promise to take care of it, will you take care of my soul? It’s resting in you, and I’d like it to not be beaten up.”

Bucky nodded and put his hand up for a fist bump. “Go team take care of each other.”

Steve bumped his fist with his and then shifted around the chair, sitting down in Bucky’s lump, ignoring the whining about heavy he was. “Go team Us.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, got stuck with NaNo and my WIP took over my life haha.


End file.
